Looking at that nose one cannot help but wonder where it has been.

Perhaps we all should have known something was up at the Second Mile when all the tight ends started leaving as wide receivers.

It was said that at the training camp, Sandusky was thought of as a father figure, but perhaps there should have been more alarm when youths started to refer to him as “Daddy.”

So it was no surprise to some when allegations surfaced of anal rape. It was only surprising, perhaps, that the media did not refrain from using the term “anal rape” in their coverage. We here at the Ladies’ Monthly have always believed in telling it like it is, so we have never refrained from watering down “anal rape” to such terms as “non-consentual sodomy,” “sexual misconduct,” or “surprise buttsex.”

However, that is exactly what was done by Penn State faculty. By the time the rape allegations reached the ears of those who needed to hear, the police, the beans had already been spilled, cooked, eaten, defecated, and eaten again, … repeatedly… by Penn State officials.

But all is not lost. Coach McQueary claims to have contacted police, to great effect, as there is no record of their conversation whatsoever. Perhaps McQueary is lying to protect himself like some red-headed chickenshit snake charmer, or perhaps the officer in charge of the case tossed the file to protect the investment he made with his bookie for that weekend’s game.

But worst of all is the effect on the children. It is hard enough to stay away from the familiar smell of axe body spray and Irish spring, which no doubt could bring back memories of a slathering, middle-aged, naked man bent over you, fixed on stealing your anal virginity. Now there is media coverage, street conversation, newspaper articles, magazine covers, all with their own takes on the situation. Even this article, in all its glory, stands as an object of trauma to those involved with Sandusky.

And although the coverage has begun to wane, there is still learning to be had. Men like Sandusky are bound to be on their toes in the coming months. As a woman and mother, look out for signs that abuse could be occurring behind closed doors. When you walk in on the High School basketball coach molesting a 13 year old boy, don’t just toss him some lube and say “Go get em’, Tiger,”… spread rumors around town until someone with fewer social obligations steps up to the plate to report it.

With your help, we can ensure that men like Sandusky are never able to get their jollies with innocent, underage boys. Perhaps if he would have spent a little more time with his wife, (and read our article about opening her up to anal), maybe he wouldn’t be a few court dates away from getting himself opened up to anal. Unfortunately for Sandusky, the showers in jail might not have cute grad-student voyeurs, but they do have plenty of people who won’t tell.

Laughing at her tears may also help you in overcoming your jealousy. Cry, bitch, cry!

1. Look Forward

In a few weeks, Casey will just be one more name on the list of women who lucked out. Sure, she’ll be living it up, enjoying her personal and legal freedom. What you can do is think about what will happen to her as the years pass, and the active life of alcoholism and gluttony moves on. Slowly, she will age and wither, her smooth face will wrinkle, her murderer’s hands will grow cracked and her bones will become brittle. And eventually, she will die. Then, it’s God’s turn. He will pull out her toenails, fork her tongue, pluck out her eyes, and then send her down to hell for the Devil to deal with her. That’ll show her!

2. Live and Learn

Now that Casey has succeeded in breaking the “glass ceiling” in a way Hilary Clinton never publicly could, women everywhere have the perfect template for their own journeys of growth, self-discovery, and child murder. Before you know it, you’ll have your weekdays off and a brand new book deal of your own. By letting go of your jealousy for Casey, you can learn from her. Real women don’t fuss over the personal affairs of others, real women do what it takes to get the job done.

3. Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

When you decide how to kill your own children, it might help you in your letting go process to throw a bone Casey’s way. Buy heart-shaped stickers for your duct tape, or bribe a meter reader with money or sex to hide the body and lie to police. By emulating Casey, you can have some insight into her position, empathize with her, and help yourself to move beyond your petty jealousy. Well, that and the fact that those brats won’t need picked up from school five days a week. In any case, imitating the Caylee Anthony murder will help you to look past your superficial differences with Casey and learn from your deepest similarities.

Beverly, Pensacola Florida: I think the new tax is an outrage, but I’m not surprised.  I knew that when the blacks didn’t get the reparations for slavery they wanted they would find a way to get their money. You don’t see them taxing shea butter and Kool-aid do you?  No, they’re taxing whites specifically, just look at what Obama’s new taxes target:  sunless tanning, soda pop, and the rich.

Cheryl, Madison Wisconsin: I don’t know if the new tax is personal, I think it could just be another tax on unhealthy habits.  After all, if Obama was really a racist and wanted to make America more black,  wouldn’t he be giving out a tax credit for sunless tanning?

Yvette, New York New York: I find the new tax to be somewhat racist, but I approve of it.  I think that it’s a good idea to tax sunless tanning, it is a strain on our health system.  The last thing we need is more broke college kids going to the hospital on the taxpayer nickel for chemotherapy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Diane, Tempe Arizona: I don’t understand why anyone would want to spend their money on sunless tanning already, here in Arizona we spend more money trying to keep from tanning.  Despite that, I still see sunless tanning available in nearly every strip mall and salon I visit.  Why pay anything for tanning at all when the sun is free every day no matter where you are?  The sun may be small but it gives off a lot of light, I hope some of these women who tan indoors will come to realize that now with the new tax.

To make a long story short, FSAD, often referred to as ‘female sexual dysfunction’ is a condition where a woman cannot achieve or maintain arousal during sex with her man or lady friend. This could be everything from being painfully dry to not cumming during the final act – both of which can lead to bouts of stress and anxiety that a woman can take out on themselves or bludgeon others with (think PMS without the bleeding). There have been studies conducted on the issue and opinions are usually split – one for the use of drugs to solve the problem, the illusive money pile that will be ‘female Viagra’; and one for tackling the problem psychologically and socially – getting in touch with your sexy lady-self more or less. Now ladies, I don’t ask much of you on a regular basis, but this one time I ask that you stop reading this if your man, or any man for that matter is around; and shoo him out of the room.

This is private talk – FOR LADIES ONLY.

Now that that’s out of the way…

For those ladies who have just graduated from girl-dom to woman-hood I have to let you in on a little secret about this whole thing: It’s all a lie!
That’s right, all a complete fabrication. It’s actually a conspiracy created long ago and upheld by our fairer half of the sexes over time. Look at the doctors and pharmacology professionals involved in studying FSAD – all women. It makes it much easier to keep the facade going if no men ever dig deeply into the problem. With all the trouble they have finding all of a woman’s other spots, this is unlikely to get on their radar any time soon.

Ladies, your vagina is not broken, not at all. It’s actually an involuntary response, much like how just about any imaginable thing can cause your man to get an erection, you don’t get off while getting freaky with your man. We modern women and our shoe collections, owe a great deal of gratitude to the first women to train themselves not to get off, as we’ve been using it to lord over our men ever since. His tool not getting the job done in bed? Why he’s just gone and bought you a new diamond necklace. Too dry to go at it? Of course a new purse will make you feel better. You think Valentine’s Day is about love? Please…. Ladies it’s about you being a good enough actor that your man feels he’s not enough for you physically and has to make it up to you by buying you expensive and showy gifts.

I know around the office, a few of the other staff have learned to turn it on and off like a switch, from staring at the ceiling to looking like a geyser. It takes a lot of time and practice, but it can be worth it. It’s especially good to learn if your man’s manhood tends to be on the large side. Not getting you off will put that penis ego in check real quick. A good yawn right in the middle of things will do wonders.
I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t enjoy sex, fucking feels good (ed note – Here, for instance), but you’ve got to learn that to enjoy it without your partner knowing. It’s why a group of women always have that one older female friend they visit occasionally. They’re learning tips from a master.

So really ladies, it actually is you, not them. You’re not broken or in need of a little blue pill though, you’re just making them work harder for it. And a little hard work never hurt anyone, especially if you’ve got your eyes on a new pair of earrings.

1. Rape is Going to Get Better

Since rape will now be defined as sex by force, if someone wants to rape someone they are really going to have to put the effort into it. Unconscious sex in a hotel bathroom will just be unconscious sex in a hotel bathroom. The new Republican slogan is “If it ain’t rough, it ain’t rape.” What this will do for rape will make it much more competitive and standard-driven. The Republicans have implemented a kind of rapist Darwinism here, that, if left unchecked, could very well produce some very high-quality rapists. This is great news for women.

This lucky lady was officially raped at a tennis court. The man courting her used an automatic serving machine as opposed to his backhand.

2. There’s a New Kind of Sex!

With the redefinition of rape comes a brand new kind of sex which is as yet unnamed and done both non-violently and without consent. Kids are calling this new kind sex “Promming,” “Dry Sex,” and “The New Argument.” For ladies with a sex life that is running out of new things to try, this is fantastic news. Finding a man to prom you has never been so easy.

3. More Children for Everyone to Love

With the Republican redefinition seeking to stop abortions from gentle rapes, there will be a bounty of children being born to mothers who in the past would have been able to leave their new arguments behind them. Now, with plenty of children being born as a result, everyone will have more children to love. The community can welcome and support these children and help them to live productive and fulfilling lives in a world where they can be loved for who they are.

An unfortunate early-warning sign of an EFFD child.

Ginny Treelane, 14, was diagnosed with EFFD just over three months ago, being one of the pioneer cases of the disorder in children. I actually had a chance to interview Ginny, and she told me about her experiences living with EFFD.

Jane: Hello Ginny, thank you for allowing me to interview you today. I am sure it can be difficult to talk about your experiences living with EFFD, and so I will try my best to be sensitive to you throughout the interview.

Ginny: Thank you, Jane, but the pleasure is all mine. I happen to be very comfortable talking about my condition, so don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions.

Jane: Thank you, Ginny, allow me to begin. What was it like before you knew you had EFFD?

Ginny: Life was strange. All around me other children were whizzing around, texting each other, posting on facebook, and sharing youtube videos. I couldn’t keep up with the rapid shifts in amusement and manic laughter. I preferred to keep to myself and read novels or write short stories. The other kids didn’t understand why I would do all those boring things for such a long time, and so after a while my teacher saw how maladjusted I was and had me speak with the school psychologist. After a few meetings it was decided that I should see a specialist who was working with other EFFD children locally.

Jane: How did things change after you saw the specialist?

Ginny: My life turned around. Before I knew I was EFFD I didn’t understand my peers, and I had never developed the necessary social skills to interact in the fast-paced world we live in. But after being enlightened to how EFFD I was I suddenly understood how abnormal I was. It definitely wasn’t normal to be reading for 4 or more hours, no matter how much it was raining outside.

Jane: What are your options for treatment?

Ginny: Therapy can be an option, but EFFD doesn’t just go away. I can’t simply put down the journal and pick up an iPhone and hope that I’ll get better. That’s why my specialist prescribed me a new medication for my EFFD. Ironically, the same medications used to treat ADHD are used to treat EFFD, Adderal, Ritalin, and other amphetamine and cocaine analogues. When a child with ADHD takes these medications, they gain focus and concentration, but when a child with EFFD takes them they lose their patience and ability to concentrate, which can help in disrupting problematic behaviors associated with EFFD, like reading.

Jane: Wow, Ginny, you know so much about your disorder, it is impressive.

Ginny: Please don’t mention it. Sadly it is a side-effect of my disease. I could not help but investigate everything about being EFFD until I had educated myself completely on the matter.

Jane: Sorry for bringing it up, but you are so brave. I will let you go now. Be strong.

Ginny: Thanks Jane, you too.

Ginny was a truly astounding individual. If yourself or someone you know might be EFFD, advise them to seek attention immediately. Without proper treatment, EFFD can result in virtuoso musical ability, mastery in various crafts, and highly-developed artistic ability. In fact, if you made it this far into this article you need to seek help now. I have noticed my lack of distraction while writing this, so little, in fact, that I fear I will have to be committed for being EFFD and out of control. Sorry for this.

A teen using a potentially deadly water pipe without parental supervision.

On Christmas Day, Zachary visited his girlfriend’s family. At this time, his girlfriend confirms that he received from her a Christmas present, a new water pipe for smoking marijuana. After leaving his girlfriend’s home, Zachary smuggled the water pipe back into his home, although it is not clear how, he may have used another gift, but due to the size of the bong, detectives have ruled out body cavity concealment.

When Zachary returned home, his parents were off work the entire week. Meaning, Zachary did not have a chance to use his new bong for some time out of the fear of being caught by his parents. Forensic estimates on the usage of the bong show signs of not more than 3 full uses. Perhaps Zachary had snuck a couple in after his folks went to bed, but until New Years Eve he could not rip it with full force.

On that fateful night, Zachary got more than he bargained for. After an apparently vicious toke, bordering on totally belligerent, Zachary inhaled nearly a cup of somewhat used bongwater. Zachary immediately began to choke, and being too confused to call 911, collapsed and suffocated where he sat.

Mothers everywhere must talk to their children about the dangers of marijuana use, but most importantly, water bongs. Even with harmless tobacco water bongs pose a drowning risk, and must be used with extreme caution. Because of these risks, parental supervision is recommended for all children under the age of 21 when using a water bong. If an accident occurs, have the victim stand upside-down to allow the tar-laced water to leave their lungs. If that does not work, shake them up and down a few times to encourage the process.  Rescue breathing might be used in a pinch, but when (not if) they spit the bong water back up into your mouth, you are going to regret it.

He knew what he was up against. The unwavering blindness and arrogance that corrupts everyone. The selfishness that prevents us from seeing the benefits of cooperation. These were some of the problems that Mr. Rogers was aimed at curing, and he was not the only one. People like Jim Henson, Pee Wee Herman, and Raffi,

"If we call them tweens, then we can sell sex to them!"

pioneered this peaceful vision for children’s entertainment.

But despite that, most of what we sell our kids to watch these days it total garbage. Just turn on the Disney Channel any hour of the day and look at the screen. Everything is overdone. The kids are richly dressed, impeccably groomed, and are given lines and parts that make them act a lot older than they are. The drama is totally image-driven. Characters are egotistical, selfish, and destructive. All the while, a soulless laugh-track plays in the background to highlight all the best teases and japes that the characters make amongst themselves, further promoting division and scrutiny between people to reinforce the moral pecking order. Its just plain fucked up.

Barney was the same way. A great big purple pedophile dinosaur keeping a gang of kids hostage in his upper-middle-class dinosaur lair. Giving them presents and feeding them candy so they will sing and dance with him. Sounds a lot like Michael Jackson actually, I wonder if there is any connection there…

So anyway, there’s a lot of shit out there for kids to watch that will teach them how to be spoiled brats with a sense of entitlement. In all seriousness, do not let your kids watch some of this shit, look at it, and tell them what is wrong with it so they know why it is horrible. If that’s not enough just mock the laugh track until they get tired of it and change it to Discovery Channel.

Notice the smile of the man searching the bag. Was it from his enjoyment in invading her privacy, or was it a cleverly placed nude photograph?

The time has never been better to pick up your dream man, and due to new regulations, you can have your pick of TSA agents across the nation. Many women are flying airport to airport in search of the hottest TSA studs to sweep them off their feet and into black body bag for further review. Pardon my kink, it’s been a while.

So what strategies work best? There is a lot of competition now. Airports have become feeding grounds for women hungry to find their soul mate. Going commando is old news. Bra-less? It’s been done. Letting the end of a foot-long steel dildo peek out just beyond the area of resistance?  … now we’re talking.

If you want to nab a TSA agent, you have got to be innovative. They have seen it all. They get their pick of young children and pre-teens, so if you’re conventionally attractive, even smoking hot, your looks alone won’t get you more than an ogling at the full body scanners. The photo might get you brief stint in porn, if you’re lucky.

So you’ve got to go beyond what is expected, but most of all it helps to be dangerous. That’s right. You’re just a woman to these TSA agents, they have their pick of you. What they really want is danger… suspense, and above all, drama. Everybody who’s anybody knows that TSA really stands for Terrorism’s Sexual Agent. If you play into their games, you will be greatly rewarded. Try forcing your mark to remove your C4 tampon, or pineapple grenade anal beads.

If all else fails, refuse the scanners, the pat-downs, the aggravating questions, and the luggage searches… and bag yourself a cop.

Jezebel marked all her "ugly areas" with bright red arrows. How tasteful and mature...

For example, lets look at a recent article that outed some original photographs from a Dolce & Gabbana photo-shoot. The photographs showed Madonna without digital retouching. If Jezebel was really more mature than YM, they wouldn’t have taken this opportunity to say, “WOW *giggle* look at how ugly she is!” But no, they decided to take the childish route of putting down an aging woman for how her body looks. Real high-brow stuff. Sorry, I’m being sarcastic there and I don’t want any Jezebel readers to confuse my little joke with honesty. What would a good magazine have done? They could have said something like “Why is it necessary to retouch these photos of Madonna, isn’t reality good enough?” But no, they took the low road. And they didn’t stop there, even doubling back to lay salt on the wound…

But you might be thinking, “Jezebel isn’t that bad, they don’t condone overt materialism, in fact, they mock it often.”

Timberlake is "OK" because his arm reminds them of a hard, veiny cock. Madonna, however, is "Not OK" because her celullite reminds them of themselves.

Its not that bad, its worse. Jezebel does condone overt materialism. By mocking materialism materialistically, like the retouching of Maddona’s glamor shots, Jezebel reinforces the same sort of hateful ideas that separate the “image elite”  from these barely nouveau riche upstarts in the first place. The image to the right gives a thumbs up to Justin Timberlake’s veiny arm, while Madonna’s veiny features labeled unfit for their eyes. What is she supposed to do, get younger? This kind of vile hypocrisy is the kind of thing that only a jealous cunt who doesn’t enjoy their own life could dream up. Astounding.I find it hilarious, personally, that someone could be so hypocritical. While bashing Madonna for being subject to retouching, and then also putting her down for how her body looks naturally, they’ve handed Madonna a lose-lose situation. If Jezebel wants to be better than Vogue or Glamor, and cater to an audience that isn’t just another crowd of stump-chewing bambis, maybe they should take this opportunity to belittle someone for something that isn’t based in appearances. No more “Oh look at how X celebrity raises her kids, how dumb!” and “Doesn’t she look bad in that dress?” Its bringing the level of conversation down to the same level that I assume this publication has attempted to escape. The targets have changed, but the attitudes remain the same. Rather than taking steps to make the world better for women, they are bitch-fitting it all into a tailspin.

So what is the end game here for Jezebel readers and writers? If they keep this image obsession up, its going to be a real drag when they realize they won’t be young forever. If they stay on this course, and continue this diatribe of insulting the “faults” of those who are supposed to be “perfect” then every wrinkle they grow will be ugly. Every gray hair will need plucked. And every sagging teat will draw a soggy tear. Oh well, at least they will have access to the same plastic surgery and photo-enhancement that they grate on “smaller” women for utilizing. Maybe Father Time might finally show these girls that they aren’t better than anyone.

"Stuff it down like a twelve inch hero you pig."

Happy, smiling customers are greeted at the door by  colorful murals of thick, meaty subs like so many overdone pornographic pin-ups. As the door cracks open, the gentle smell wafts over the nose of the expecting customer. Oh, that smell. Like a very dilute smell of feces crossed with the aroma of fine artisan breads.

Then, the hungry animal wanders over to the ordering station, where they are greeted by the chipper attendant. Then, they both simultaneously decide whether or not to make eye contact. If not, all goes smoothly and according to plan, but if so, the game is on. What micro-friendship will be so briefly made and carelessly discarded? Will it be honest and friendly, or mechanical and forced? Either way there is the vital, and not-so-vaguely sexual question: What size do you want? 6 inch? Foot long? Double meat? What about bacon?

Next, your modest masterpiece makes it way down the assembly line to the veggies. Want some lettuce to add some substance to this flaccid stick of machined bread, preserved meat, and flavorless cheese? Cucumbers? No, they won’t be any use to you sliced. Onions? Yeah, sure… if you want your mouth to taste and smell like a hooker’s vagina.

Don’t forget condoments! How about some mayonnaise to simulate globs of semen dripping down its shaft? Mustard will make it spicy. Or perhaps your fetish is more of a “specialty sauce”. Maybe something French, Asian, Italian, or Ranch.

Then, just like your last one-night-stand, once the phallus gets double-bagged to go you’re all set to get filled. In a heartwearming, chin-cramping exchange, useless tokens are exchanged for food and the cycle begins anew for the chipper attendant. As for the customer, its on to forcing that thing down while simultaneously trying not to gag. Ring a bell? You could cut the irony with a knife… figuratively!

“Now Jenn”, you say, “I’ve got a Twitter, Facebook, Flickr and even had a Myspace account!” And to you I say you are just the young, successful, busy women I’m talking about! This article is just for you.

It’s all about your ‘status’
Facebook has truly simplified and streamlined relationships. Now you need only to send a few messages, send them pictures of your sister, and BAM, you’ve got yourself a man. That’s it, presto! From single to taken in mere minutes. It will probably you longer to read this paragraph than it does to get your newest piece of arm candy. He may not even know it yet, but if you play your cards right, he will whether he likes it or not. Social pressure can work wonders on social networking. Almost as well as gossip between girlfriends. And your status goes with you, so long as you have a mobile phone. Craving a new purse? The world must know! Waiting for your man to show up? We can relate!

Just can’t get enough
This can work wonders for the enterprising young socialite networker. Is one man simply not doing enough for you? Start a stable of men to call your own. Get ‘in a relationship’ with a few guys with hot display pictures. The internet doesn’t believe in monogamy, why should you? You can even go OCD about it and get a new e-man for each particular itch you need scratched. A suave lover for when you’re feeling romantic, but just can’t bring yourself to do more than play with your phone (We’ve all been there ladies, I assure you). The kinda nerdy nice guy to show off to your parents when you show them that new ‘facebook-y thing’, and of course you have to have the bad boy to make your girlfriends jealous. The more tattoos the better. Those hipsters in girls jeans will be “there for you” to give you the tear-filled listening posts you need at a moments notice when your other man has broken your heart. Entire cottage industries have started around these men. You can trade clothes, match up your makeup, or satisfy your lesbian fantasies with minimal social dissuasion.

"Taking them to bed was never so easy..."

Think your man may be cheating on you? His friends list is there for the snooping! See just how good of ‘friends’ he is with some of those tarts. When you think you’ve got your likely hussy, get some friends together and lay an e-beating on her. Post her name, address, phone number all over the web. Follow that up by making her Facebook wall and Twitter a montage of posts describing just how you feel about her messing with your man. Let the world know what kind of woman she is! Try typing in uppercase while insulting her character and don’t worry about checking your spelling or punctuation,

Of course you can’t let your man go unscathed. Use your trendy new cell phone to let him have it while you relax with the girls and a nice latte. What better way to get your point across than to splash an angry message filled with seedy details of his inadequacies on his wall or on his twitter page? That 140 character limit being ‘bigger’ than he is will raise some eyebrows. If he doesn’t see it, his friends and friend’s friend’s will let him know about soon enough. You can go to lunch with the girls and wait for his fear-laden apology to roll in. Heck girls, get a new pair of shoes and post a twitpic of them while you wait. They will be great for when you’re walking all over him. He may be your man, but he’s no brand new pair of shoes. Not at those prices.