1. Admit that Nothing is Wrong with You

Some therapies for addiction require people to admit that they have a problem, and forever carry with them the scar of being an “addict.” We here at the Ladies’ Monthly know that’s a lot of bullshit, and it is simply no replacement for mindfulness and self control. So the first step in our program is to admit that absolutely nothing is the matter with you. All your problems are a fabrication of your overactive imagination and your dissatisfaction with life is the result of refusing to let go of your overambitious dreams. Just say it to yourself, “There is nothing wrong with me!” Scream it! Roar it when you wake up in the morning! Sing it when you’re in the shower! Whisper it to yourself before you go to sleep. And recite it each time you cut out another line in the bathroom after your husband starts snoring.

2. Increase your Dosage

These two she-devils are tweaked out of their minds on legal bath salts after covering themselves head to toe in the amphetamine sold as "plant food." One thing is certain, something is getting fertilized tonight, and its not the tomato plants.

Some ill-advised therapies for addiction require users to taper their dosages to slowly wean themselves off of drugs. The problem with this is that it does not get to the root of the problem. Tapering dosages tortures drug users by leaving them without any treatment for their desire to do drugs, but only slowly taking them away. That’s why our therapy advises ramping up your dosage. Take so many bath salts you throw up and black out, waking up to find yourself underground, in a black bodybag, with a throbbing heart and a sore asshole. See if you want to head down to the Safeway for some fun after that.

3. Recovery

Once you’ve had your stomach pumped and come out of your post-binge coma, your recovery period is vital to long-term success. Surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear. Don’t allow anyone to spread negativity, you don’t need it right now. Try to displace your shame by blaming your parents, spouse, or children. This cast-like emotional cocoon will do wonders for your self esteem, and help to remove some of the reason for why you feel the need to almost kill yourself with cheap synthetic drugs.

4. Relapse

Most treatment plans fail when patients relapse. That’s why our treatment plan includes one as part of the itinerary. But this relapse isn’t some pathetic dive bar rampage and small-time prostitution for cheap meth, no. This relapse will teach you a lesson. After your overdose you should have plenty of left over bath salts littering your house. Scrape them all up from your dresser, mattress, and bathroom floor. Don’t worry about getting a little Comet in there, it’s not bad stuff and it smells great. Take all these shavings, complete with whatever hair, dust particles, and cookie crumbs that were scraped up with them, and make yourself a line that would close down a soup kitchen. Snort as much as you can into both nostrils, then shove the remains into your mouth, ears, eyes, vagina, and anus. After your second drug induced coma, you should start to see the light. Just don’t go towards it yet, there’s still one step left.

5. False Enlightenment and Self-Righteousness

To finally kiss this habit goodbye, you’re going to need to chip off some of the old block, your sanity that is. Have a “transcendental moment,” “spiritual awakening,” “moment with God” or some other kind of amorphously meaningful, but pleasant, psychotic break. Use this experience as a stepping stone to thinking you have gained control over yourself. But merely telling yourself that you can do it is not enough, in order to believe your reason for change, your “moment of enlightenment,” you must sell the experience to others. The more people that believe your story, the more comfortable you will feel lying to yourself and others about it in the future. Once your transformation is complete, swear off all your old habits and look down on all those who still do them. It is not enough to simply change, you must treat those who act like your “former self” as worthless, pathetic, and totally without judgement. How else can you stop yourself from becoming one of them again?

Take the Stairs

There’s no faulting you for accidentally slipping down the stairs.  Even if you end up sliding down each one on your belly like your child would have if you hadn’t, no one will believe that you did it on purpose.  After the tragic accident, take a trip to the doctor and have everything made official.  You want to avoid any potential prosecution later.  If you stain your blouse or underwear when you pass the fetus, don’t fret or cry, just use vinegar and club soda, and if you have time, presoak overnight.

The Zit

Have the would-be father help you out with this method.  Lie on the ground flat on your back with your legs relaxed and your arms at your sides.  Have your partner stand 10-15 feet away and wait for your signal.  When you give him the go ahead, he will take off sprinting, springing into a leap which, if properly executed, will land him squarely on your stomach with all of his weight.  If he stuck the landing, the developing child will leave you, resembling not much more than a bloody stool.

Stress

Another way to cure your pregnancy is to stress the baby into submission.  Coax it out by smoking cigarettes, drinking, and eating nothing but ice.  Worrying and anxiety can be enough, so if you’re having trouble inducing early stillbirth try imagining driving in traffic or crying children.

Household Chemicals

Bleach, Lysol, and rubbing alcohol can all be effective at terminating your pregnancy early when applied with a turkey baster or syringe.  But if you’ve got a bun in the oven, nothing works better than oven cleaner.  Effective household chemicals will stop the fetus from developing without transforming it into a glowing mutant with super strength and zombie-like endurance.

Education

Let your baby know what awaits it on the outside.  Tell it about what life is like, how it will have to go to school and find work.  Explain family life, how people resolve conflicts and bond with those around them.  Explain what being married is like, and how it feels to know that’s how you’ll live for the rest of your life.  In no time the fetus will be strangling itself with its own umbilical cord.  If that fails, switch out your baby Bach tape with top-40 radio until it gives itself an early c-section, having just enough strength to claw its way out and curse you under its last breath.

2. Admit that you have a scale in your bathroom and that your weight is a thought that regurgitates on you throughout the day.

3. Read the fashion magazines. Nothing will make you as paranoid and self-critical as these. The checklists and celebrity profiles will quickly help you find your own faults.

4. Ask your partner or best-friends if your clothes or any part of your body ”looks OK”. You can be sure the opposite of a positive answer is true.

5. Go to a beach and observe girls half your age who’ve never had children and reminiscence on your sedentary lifestyle and binge-eating habits that have given you your many ripples of cellulite.

6. Log into your partner’s favorite porn sites and compare your body with his favorite girls.

7. Calcuate your BMI – over 25 and you’re a porker!

8. Do you consider yourself a positive, outgoing, fun-loving girl with a normal upbringing? Would you write this on dating website? If this is you, the you it’s time to come to terms with yourself for who you are: a superficial, neurotic scatterbrain. Your personality was atrophied in early childhood due to your overwhelming sense of how you should be rather than how you are.

9. Do you feel Ann Coulter has an inexplicable aura? If this is correct, then you can be sure you’re lacking critical thinking skills and/or perspective.

10. Yes or no. Creationism, although you don’t agree with it, should be taught in schools, because it is a valid scientific theory. If you answered yes, you missed those 12 years of grade school and should brush up on your basic understanding of scientific theory and logic before going to either the voting polls or expressing your opinion in public again.

11. Yes or no. Instead of saying what you want, you try to show people what you want by smirking, jerking your head, swearing under your breath, fluffing your hair, playing the noble victim, frowning and/or making terse remarks in a surly, defensive tone. If any or all of the above apply then you, like 70 million North American women, are insecure and suffer from a passive-aggressive personality disorder.

12. Do you compensate for guilt, anger, boredom, existential anguish, loneliness, depression and/or suicidal tendencies by eating, shopping or buying services? If you can say yes to any or all of these and are over 25, you’re simply a lost cause. No amount of counseling, dieting, meditation or self-improvement programs will set you right and bring you in touch with the basic realities of your existence.

BONUS – That you’re concerned whether there’s something wrong with you is itself the best proof you have: You are a shallow, conceited person. Your condition is most likely due to an overbearing, chauvinist father and weak mother. You clearly look for happness not in yourself, but in what others do or say you should do. There’s no turning back, and unlike for your turkey chin, wrinkles and thin lips, there is no plastic surgery that will right this wrong. The wounds on the inside are yours for life.

Two of our writers have packed their bags in hopes of finding a publication with a more rural mindset. Shit kickers.

Times like this always choke me up. Two of our beloved writers, Tanya Peabody and Esther Judith Frost have decided to leave our humble publication due to editorial differences. Esther, who you well know form her column “Dear Esther” always had a thing for Jesus, but it seems she has really gone off the deep end, and taken poor Tanya with her.

Jenn Grimm, who has always corresponded with Esther and provided editorial support for her column, informed me of this change New Years Day. It appears that Esther and Tanya, after a long night of “talking” decided that it would be best for them to join a publication more suited to their tastes. I can’t decide whether I should support them, or call the police and alert them of the presence of the ChristWire cult that has somehow roped our writers into their compound. Well guess what, its about to get Waco up in here. No longer will the Ladies Monthly pretend to support the casual romances of religion in our publication.These writers have done a great disservice to our magazine, and themselves, by committing to their self-deceit so fully.

But pay it no mind, dearest reader. The Ladies Monthly will continue to provide the same informative content that you find so vital. So what if those two want to go have fun together, I’m not going to stop them. I never liked either of them anyway, even Tanya. I know, I know, we had some good nights on the balcony sipping on sparking rose wine and listening to Jewel naked, but those times have past. I, and the Ladies Monthly, have moved on.

Without remorse,

Ann Thrope

Sometimes you might disagree with the vision of our magazine. Sometimes you may even abhor it. Whenever you feel this is the case, please feel free to lodge a formal complaint like the one you are about to read. Here we have responded to this reader in a way that we feel is appropriate. Please enjoy the following exchange between our Editor-in-Chief, Annabella Lady and a concerned reader who felt the need to contact us. I trust that our loyal readers will agree with how we handled this situation, and find it appropriate as well.

The Formal Complaint:

Hello, i’d like to voice a formal complaint about one of your writers, Ann Thorpe,

Our Response:

Hello,

We here at the Ladies Monthly take our complaints very seriously. Furthermore, we also take our editing very seriously. Miss Ann Thrope has been writing for us for some time, and her insightful attitude and bold commitment to her craft makes her one of our most valuable assets. Please allow me to address your complaint, which has three parts. The complaint about our article “Setting Your Gay Daughter Straight,” another complaint about our article “Beware the Video Game Menace.” I do say “our” because the editing staff here takes our job very seriously, and nothing passes our desk without the fullest examination from our board. Lastly is your more general complaint, dare I say libel, of Miss Ann Thrope, who has contributed these works to our humble periodical. Make no mistake, we are aware of the ramifications of the claims she makes, but we agree. We fully support Ann Thrope in her writing and will continue to employ her here for her valuable contributions. We will not remove, edit, or disclaim, any content in either article you’re having a hissy fit over. We’re “sticking our finger in the dyke,” so to speak, to stave off the flood of hedonism brought with the new generation.

However, we do appreciate your praise of our other articles. It is great to know that you share our vision of a world with more plastic surgery, incest, bestiality, guilt, and anal sex. Good luck in all your endeavors thereof.

A. Lady

Editor-in-Chief

The Ladies Monthly

Any larger than this and you may need buttock implants to serve as a counterbalance.

Ever feel like your breasts have a life of their own? That men have dialogs with them instead of with you? That they need their own area code? That they have their own center of gravity?

This might be the case if your breasts are of cyclopean proportions. The greatest disadvantage of the defect of elephantine boobs is that these trifling concerns about your paw-patters consume nearly all your precious brain power.

American women lead the world in bra cup size thanks to obesity, an extensive breast-augmentation industry, and more often than not a combination of both of these.

Regardless whether you’re American, if you’re like most ladies you have a love-hate relationship to your magumbos . The hate derives from your chestnuts being unruly: itching, sweating, popping out of low cut garments, but even cancer and disease.

Most frequently the source of hate is the same source of love: size. Without the sufficient girth women feel small, cynical and critical of each other.

In other words, just like penis size, breast size does matter in our society.

If you’re twenty-seven and already struggling against a hunch back you might consider the size of your hooters. Tolerating extra ventral weight is an art it in itself. This art becomes more difficult as time and gravity drag your skin downward over your torso, sagging your milk jugs like melted wax hanging over the side of a candle.

If you want to avoid having loose skin or droopy boobies that look more like pancakes than mammaries, then it’s never too early to consider breast reduction (which can be performed as early as age 14 in some jurisdictions).

Difficulty finding tops is common among women who realize that the third or fourth revision augmentation mammaplasties were not good ideas. If that’s the case, button-down shirts are not your best pick. If you feel just have to wear them, apply double-sided sticky tape from the inside to keep your pomelos in place.

Breast size is also a problem when exercising due to breastual mass momentum. If you’re reading this chances are you’ve found out that heavy-duty support bras only support in light-duty chores. Once the centripetal force of your knockers begins to tug your body in  uncanny directions you quickly find your vestibular system put to extreme tests.

If asked if things feel better when you’re in the pool and you reply “yes, ma’amaplasty!” then it’s definitely time for a reduction.

Breast buoyancy is something many women have long pondered. It is the option we suggest you keep in mind if your boobs are too large but you remain wary of reductive mammaplasty, because a solution is on its way. Water-bras are currently under development in laboratories in Estonia and Switzerland.

From the bushy hairdoo to the laser smooth folicle removal, there are many ways to keep your axillae looking good to attract men to these overlooked erogenous zones.

First, don’t worry about shaving your underarms if you don’t want to. But if you want to try but never have, don’t worry. It’s only a myth that the hair will grow back thicker. Shaving has no effect on hair follicles.

A little hair can provide some much-appreciated friction.

In a recent survey it was found that stubble is just about the only style that men don’t like, but even here you find exceptions. There are men who like that rougher touch. There are even certain women who are out for a more rugged underarm scissoring.

Generally though, shaving or going all natural in your pits will reduce friction and give a more intimate feel, also increasing sensitivity and pleasure.

If you want to get rid of the hair, shaving is not the only option. You can also wax or go through laser treatment. If you are going for the natural look you can use conditioner to soften your underarm hair. You can even bleach or dye it for a kinkier look.

Lie your partner on his back and tease him, first with your hands, then working your way up your arms to your elbows, then your biceps, then to your armpits. The idea is to work him into a frenzy. Then, slowly, bit by bit, skewer your gap, until you see shockwaves jolting through his body.

While dabbling in axillaphilia is a great way to have fun, there are a couple of safety issues you need to know:

Make sure you keep the stubble away or check what your partner’s preference is before hand (you don’t want to do a skin graft on his glans) and don’t leave him unattended especially if he’s on top (nothing is worse than getting a spastic knee in your head when he peaks). Also be sure to wash your member’s penis (or any other body part or toy engaged in underarm copulation) before proceeding to vaginal insertion in order to remove odors and bacteria.

Don’t forget, having two arm pits this is a great way to go three-way. If you’re properly warmed up with foreplay, your sebaceous glands will lube your axillae and keep things creamy for all three.

"Stuff it down like a twelve inch hero you pig."

Happy, smiling customers are greeted at the door by  colorful murals of thick, meaty subs like so many overdone pornographic pin-ups. As the door cracks open, the gentle smell wafts over the nose of the expecting customer. Oh, that smell. Like a very dilute smell of feces crossed with the aroma of fine artisan breads.

Then, the hungry animal wanders over to the ordering station, where they are greeted by the chipper attendant. Then, they both simultaneously decide whether or not to make eye contact. If not, all goes smoothly and according to plan, but if so, the game is on. What micro-friendship will be so briefly made and carelessly discarded? Will it be honest and friendly, or mechanical and forced? Either way there is the vital, and not-so-vaguely sexual question: What size do you want? 6 inch? Foot long? Double meat? What about bacon?

Next, your modest masterpiece makes it way down the assembly line to the veggies. Want some lettuce to add some substance to this flaccid stick of machined bread, preserved meat, and flavorless cheese? Cucumbers? No, they won’t be any use to you sliced. Onions? Yeah, sure… if you want your mouth to taste and smell like a hooker’s vagina.

Don’t forget condoments! How about some mayonnaise to simulate globs of semen dripping down its shaft? Mustard will make it spicy. Or perhaps your fetish is more of a “specialty sauce”. Maybe something French, Asian, Italian, or Ranch.

Then, just like your last one-night-stand, once the phallus gets double-bagged to go you’re all set to get filled. In a heartwearming, chin-cramping exchange, useless tokens are exchanged for food and the cycle begins anew for the chipper attendant. As for the customer, its on to forcing that thing down while simultaneously trying not to gag. Ring a bell? You could cut the irony with a knife… figuratively!

"A mouthguard will ensure you don't chip any teeth."

To begin using a vibrator after having used your hands for years (or decades) can be a challenge. You haven’t developed the motor skills for it, and your forearm and shoulder muscles don’t have the right high-twitch fibers to keep your rhythm steady. It’s just as a difficult for European gals who drive manual cars, then feel confused about the mechanical minimalism of an automatic when they drive in the US for the first time.

With a vibrator, like with an automatic transmission, you don’t have work as hard so you can relax and cruise along, enjoying the experience. If you haven’t had orgasms before there’s a large chance that a vibrator is precisely what you need to get that job done.

Different kinds of vibrators stimulate you in different ways, so we recommend buying several and testing your way to what works best for you. However, if you’re wide you might want to first go for the ”Captain Dong Schlong” line. If you have a strong curvature down there, or if you sharply veer off to the left or right, then you might want to skip the popular ”Jack Rabbit” and instead go for the ”Captain Hook” in any of its seven colors.

Electric or battery operated

Battery operated vibrators give greater freedom of movement, but the electric hold longer. If you travel a lot the battery operated vibrators are best, you don’t want a ”shock” when you get to some strange country!

Size

A smaller head gives more focus on stimulation of your magic buzzer, but the larger vibrators spread lower frequency vibrations through all flesh and bone within one foot of contact.

Tips

Lie on your back and glide the vibrator over your buzzer.

Give your vibrator a name and introduce your partner to it.

If you’ve broken up with a guy a vibrator is a great alternative. Also remember, when things are tough with your male partners you can always dump them – in many cases you’ll get better pleasure and multiple orgasms from your vibrator.

View the vibrator as an ostensive teaching aide. It can assist you in situations where you need more attention to a certain area of your body. Simply pedagogically point it at the pleasure zone in focus and moan, your partner will take notice and act accordingly.

"Are you the sleek, elegant type, or more of a rustic, husky kinda girl?"

You get embarrassed by sex scenes in movies. (–1p)

You like to sit on your cell phone and call yourself. (+1p)

You like to sit on the washing machine in the last, violent spin cycle as you wait for your laundry to be finished. (+2p)

You like bunnies. (+1p)

You like sex in public places with secretly gay, married men. (+3p)

You prefer Winnie the Pooh underwear over red G-strings. (–1p)

Your favorite position is the missionary. (+1p)

You have studied the Kama Sutra. (+3p)

You are allergic to bananas and cucumbers. (-1p)

You keep either a banana or a cucumber, and often both, on your nightstand. (+2p)

You like to go to sex shops and check out the selection. (+3p)

You walk by sex shops and turn red. (+1p)

You walk by sex shops with picket cards on which you’ve written quotes from the Bible or Karl Marx. (-1p)

You admire the work Jenna Jameson has done for the entertainment industry. (+3p)

You’ve never heard of Jenna Jameson. (-1p)

The best book you’ve read is Traci Lords’ autobiography.(+2p)

The best book you’ve read is The Bible. (+3p)

You steal your partner’s pornographic magazines for personal use. (+3p)

You throw out your partner’s porn magazines. (–1p)

You openly show disgust when people discuss anal sex. (+2p)

You’ve never had a one night stand. (+1p)

On Valentine’s Day you expect chocolate, roses and a fine dinner. When you get home you light candles and want to make romantic love all night. (+1p)

The nurse suit you rented at Halloween is still in your closet. (+2p)

Your night table looks like The Museum of Modern Dildo Design. (+3p)

You think a tongue piercing is an intimate piercing. (-1p)

Your middle name is Candy or your last name is pseudonym. (+3p)

Results

<13 points: You’re a lavender-scented massage oil!

You smell a bit like grandma and old clothes, but your sex life has romantic aspirations that suit your prudishness. Spice up your sex life with a few bottles of wine, oral sex and any position but the missionary!

13-26 points: You’re a massage wand!

A Jack Rabbit is what you want on your nightstand. You like to experiment and are waiting to discover new sexual horizons. Bring your masturbation to new levels by using several dildos at the same time, by trying autoasphyxiation and/or hog-tying your partner then beating them with a red, store-bought whip. Your partner will certainly enjoy your new toys and your new attitude! Get your wands now, and get your hunter to chase the rabbit over the grass down into the rabbit hole!

>27: You’re a whip and chains.

Blindfolds are nothing new to you and all the dildo models are old news. You’re open for anything and have tried the wildest stuff. What you need to complement your sex life are long floral dresses, thick-framed tortoise shell glasses and bimonthly, four minute copulation sessions in the missionary position. Skip the silly get-ups, games and roll playing. Lay off the porno flicks for a while. Instead download all seasons of The Price is Right and set up a few nights a week to watch them with your partner.

"Don't be fooled by this look, he is totally faking it."

All men are the same. Whether its a dirty old man or a curious young lad, we women have to beat them off one by one. Unwanted advances are common and easily dispatched… most of time time. It can sometimes be difficult to know when or if to tell a man to back of, especially if there is something physically wrong with them. Blind men are notorious for taking liberties. Perhaps its because it is so very easy for them to pass off a sly caress as their way of getting to know you. If you are the type who goes out of your way to help those in need, or speaks with the differently-abled in that sweet, motherly, tone, the blind may become immediately attracted to you. In their experience, women who treat them special like you are the most likely to turn the other cheek when they cop a feel. Too often they skip the face entirely, and instead go straight down the front of your pants, as if they plan to remember you by the smell on their fingers. Here’s how to let your unsighted friend know that his sensual touches aren’t getting him anywhere, and that you want him to stop.

Clear Your Throat

If he brushes past an areola on his way to your chin, he knows what he did. Let him know you did too by clearing your throat to show that you are uncomfortable with his groping. He might play it coy and act like he didn’t notice. He might even try to grab a whole teat in an act of desperation. Do not back down. Move on to the next step.

Change the Subject

Once you know that the blind man in question is really out to get his jollies with your politically correct privates, you will need to try to divert his attention. Do not merely tell him the truth, it will hurt him deeply. Let him have this, but if it it gets out of hand try to put his mind on other things. Talk to him about his favorite music, or try to get him started on politics. The blind are never at a loss for words when it comes to arguing controversial political topics.

Change Your Body Language

Perhaps you may have allowed the blind man to enter your comfort zone more than you normally would for able-bodied men. This can tend to lead them on, especially if they are used to the same sort of behavior from other women who feel bad for them. All you need to do is shift your shoulders and turn your feet away from them. If they’re still grasping at you from farther away, try taking a few steps back. If you need to touch them, pats on the shoulder are a non-sexual way to show you care without giving them the satisfaction of a full-chested hug. Plus, you might not want to give them the opportunity to reach around and “feel out” your backside.

Turning Your Blind Man On

Maybe you have the opposite problem. Maybe you’re having trouble getting the attention of your blind husband or significant other, or maybe you’re trying to seduce a blind stranger. It can be difficult for sighted women to understand how to turn their blind man on without using their looks to their advantage. Step back and try to notice what tools you have at your disposal. When he least suspects it, try forcing your breasts onto his unsuspecting face, just be careful not to accidentally smother him. Pay attention to what he likes. He might get hot and bothered over your bedroom growl, a soft, sensual touch, or the smell of your ass in the morning. Nothing will please him more than the sweet smell of your freshly-woken anus resting peacefully on his hyper-sensitive nose.

My boyfriend keeps begging me to try anal-play. I don’t want to do it at all, poop comes out of there! I’m scared that if I don’t do it he might try to find someone who will, maybe even a man. What can I do about his anal sex cravings?

Dear Troubled,

"Even Jesus may have sinned in his weaker moments."

I will have to break from my fellow Monthly females on this particular topic. I’m sure you may have come across the article on this very subject posted recently. The distasteful smut that passes for journalism around here is enough to make ones faith in the Lord waiver (almost). Normally I would advice any struggling woman to do as her man asks without question, as any proper woman would. Not here, not with this. No way. Esther Judith Frost does not condone sodomy or the filthy, disgusting heathens that willingly partake in acts that disrespect their Lord and savior, Jesus Christ and will burn in the flames of Hell for their grotesque acts.

The Bible is explicit about such things: Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, . . .

For this reason God gave them up to vile passions.  For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature…. …shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to , to do those things which are not fitting.(Romans 1:24, 26-28)

Sodomy and sodomites are not fit to live in the world of our God. They are only fit for the sulphur pits of hell.That your boyfriend wishes to stray from the path and indulge himself and you in such vile acts is reason enough to leave such a man. He is already on the path to homosexuality, and we both know how God feels about the homosexuals. My partner once brought up the subject, but I was stern and held my ground making it clear I would not participate in any sexual act that God would not approve of. I am a woman after all, and I have the procreative parts meant for intercourse in the normal, acceptable way. Having an object inserted into me like that is not how God intended two people to have intercourse.

If you really wish to stay with your boyfriend, I would suggest you reject his advances, and let him know that you’re afraid God would not look kindly on the two of you engaging in such horrific acts. If your boyfriend attempts to ‘surprise you’ with it, I would leave and immediately research the laws on sodomy in your state and see if there is any legal recourse you can take.

Anal sex… even the words themselves make me feel like I have sinned just typing them.