Hardwood flooring is easily maintained with regular waxing.

Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about some home renovations. And the one that should be on all women’s minds is of course flooring. Yes, flooring. It’s something you see and use every day of your life and you probably never give it more than a seconds thought throughout the day unless it gets splashed with unsightly goo or your man tracks some mud in from the backdoor.

Look at your floor. Look at it. Now think, how long have you had that exact same carpeting throughout your house? I can’t speak for all of you, but I would think a majority of you just answered ‘As long as I can remember’. I’m sure your man would probably say the same thing ladies, but he wouldn’t be as happy about it. Secretly and not so secretly, your man has wanted to get rid of the carpeting and have the two of you choose a nice hard wood floor to replace it. It would suit your place better, and you’ve long since gotten rid of the drapes. They don’t clash with the carpet, but really, it throws the whole room off when they don’t go well together.

This isn’t helped by the fact that even with being cleaned regularly, there are some stains that just won’t come out of any carpet, regardless of how many products Billy Mayes tries to sell you for it. That birthday party 3 three years ago, where your friend went down after a few too many drinks and took the crab dip with him? It’s still there. It’s not as bad as you first thought, but it’s still noticeable when you have company over. Not to mention your husband will quite often track dirt in from working out back. It’s really not worth the continued effort to clean the mud out of your carpet every couple of weeks. A clean, solid hard surface would be much easier to clean and you can more or less forget about stains. Dirt and crab sauce will clean right up.

God forbid you ever thinking of selling your place. It’s a big part of your life (And renting is out of the question), you and your man have done a lot there. If you did, however, choose to start showing it off on the market, ask anyone in the business, and they’ll tell you the size of the market of people interested in looking at carpeted places is niche at best. The buyers market has spoken, and barren floors free of dust and carpeting is what buyers demand from their units now.

Carpeting is something your mother and her sisters lived with in their day and age and as much as I want all Ladies Monthly readers to love and respect their mothers, times and traditions change. It’s not the 1970′s anymore. Shag carpeting is not stylish, at least not outside Japan, but then everything is just this side of weird there. As with all things style, Europeans started the trend and it has moved across the pond to the floors of our once heavily carpeted shores.

Don’t forget, once you’ve put down hard wood or marble flooring you don’t have to leave things plain and uninteresting. As much as the sheen of light bouncing of smooth marble or reflecting off of stained hardwood can be, maybe that floor doesn’t quite look right. Don’t tear it up and start over. That’s wasting time, money, and effort when the solution is a lot simpler than you think. I’ll bet your man or even your friends would really enjoy the vibe from a posh little throw rug. You can be as simple with a solid colour or go crazy with some kind of design, but that little rug can go a long way. You’ll get compliments on just how creative you are from friends and family. You might even inspire them to follow suit.

Create a “Safety Zone”

When your daughter’s friends come over to visit, whether for a meal or sleepover, cordon off an area “for the girls” and let your husband and all of your other visitors know that the area is strictly off limits to men. This will provide a shelter from sexual abuse that might occur if you allowed your husband to mingle with the girls.

This photo was taken at a slumber party, the girl pictured believed she was being photographed alone. Don't let this happen to you.

Bar Money

Your husband’s drinking problem can hurt the situation, but with some skill you can use it to your advantage. Just $40 dollars for a few beers with the guys will keep him out for the whole night, so you won’t have to constantly worry about where he is inside the house, or how to redirect him next time you catch him trying to steal a peek when the girls are changing into their night clothes, or going to the bathroom. Just be sure to lock the door so that when he comes back he doesn’t try to take any liberties with the sleeping girls.

Chemical Warfare

Buy your daughter and her friends the girliest, most obnoxious, noxious perfume you can find. Try to find something that Lisa Frank herself would prefer a gas chamber to. The overpowering stench of artifical fruit and flower aromas will keep your daughters pumping the perfume into the air, and keep your slathering husband at a safe distance upwind.

Last Resort: Harmless Appeasement

If you just cannot keep your husband away from those tight little bodies, you can still avoid unnecessary sexual harassment and rape allegations on the family name by practicing safe methods of satisfying your husband’s insatiable cravings. Try installing nanny cameras in the bathroom and bedrooms, and allow your husband to peruse the video at his leisure. Be sure to hide the cameras well, because if the girls find out you’ll need to take drastic measures to ensure that this method won’t come back to haunt you. If your worst fears become realized, try to convince the girls that everything is totally appropriate, and use your best matriarchal tone to encourage them to embrace the practice of appeasing your husband. The girls will grow up fast, and hopefully embrace teasing the cameras as a valuable exercise in raising their self-esteem and developing a positive self-image.

Y’all need:

1 Lb Thick Sliced Bacon

2 C Wonderbread White Breadcrumbs

1 Egg

1/2 C Whole Milk

1 T Cayenne Pepper (Spicy!)

Salt and Pepper to taste.

For dippin’ y’all need:

1 Pkt Hidden Vally Ranch Dip Mix

2 C  Sour Cream

3/4 C Butter or Oleo, softened

1/2 C Buttermilk

Instructions:

What y’all need to do is whisk, not beat, the eggs and milk together with a pinch of salt.  Drench the bacon and coat both sides with breadcrumbs, cayenne pepper, black pepper, and salt. Bake 15 minutes at 350° for low-fat chewy bacon, but if you want the most out of this recipe y’all gonna need to deep fry til’ golden brown.  The dip is easy, just mix it all together and let it chill. Its so good it’ll make ya cough. If you’re fancy, garnish with some celery or wild onions.

So, you just bought your new house.  You’ve picked out the carpet, the paint, the bathroom tile, new cabinets, counter tops, living room suite, dining room set, faucets, and the pattern for the textured ceiling, but you’re still left with one of the most stressful decisions in the entire decorating process: Curtains or Drapes?  What you choose says a lot about who you are, and your friends will note your decision even on their first tour through your new home.  Some unfortunate women were never taught the difference or the ramifications of their decision to choose curtains or drapes, and live with their decision for years before realizing their catastrophic error.  To avoid your own personal catastrophe, we’re going to give you the breakdown.

Curtains:  Are you a light, wistful, whimsical, or airy person? Do you love being swept off your feet?  Curtains may be your choice.  Curtains are lighter, airier, and more delicate than drapes, and like the American Flag, are never permitted to touch the ground.  Curtains that hang to the ground are like kitchen towels with tea stains, they are a sign of a dirty mind, and are to be avoided at all costs.  The ideal curtain is like the ideal daughter, thin, light in color, and pressed.

Drapes:  Are you a dark, substantial soul who loves feeling securely covered?  Drapes should be your choice.  Drapes, if well hung, almost touch the floor, are thicker than curtains, and are usually darker colors.  Drapes are also sewn with a liner that results in a more substantial look and feel.

Older women also tend to have drapes, even if in their younger years they thought that drapes were rutty and got in the way.  Not long after marriage young ladies learn that the constant ironing makes having no drapes too much work.  Most women choose to have a combination of the two, and those that have good sense make sure that they match, though sometimes it can be fun to mix it up.

So now that you know which means what, how do you choose?  There are a number of factors that can go into your part of the decision making process.  You have to consider your budget, the colors of the room, the feel of the room, and the appearance you want to present to your friends and family.  Don’t forget to out-do your neighbor’s wife, or else your decorating flop will be the talk of the town.