So how do you coordinate the red, white and blue with this season’s bright yellows and blue-marines as found in summer’s smartest fashion lines?

The answer is found right under the noses of the American middle class. No, not at home, but in those noxious, overcrowded Arab cities lacking food and water due to our military occupation. The answer, in other words, is to borrow that Arab flare we know so well from films and magazines.

You’re thinking, sure, I’m already tired of the flat cap I bought last fall, and that jet-black cocktail hat I got in March wasn’t me anyhow… but how am I going to turn my bright pink and mushroom-taupe scarves, which are for summer cocktail parties, into cocktail hijabs? How does my baby blue body glove, or my coral red g-string, turn from seaside chic into homeland sheik?

The answer is simple. The hijab.

Although Islam prescribes draconian rules about headscarves and leggings, it doesn’t prescribe strict rules of color or style. Certainly that’s a freedom of choice that Western women do not have, as they must follow meticulous seasonal color-schemes and restricted clothing patterns dictated by big city designers.

Iraqi women know to dress for both the searing heat and the freezing cold of the desert with their loose fitted clothing. Their hijabs protect from windstorms, heat, sand and sunshine. What better garment to bring in for summer 2010 and use even into late winter?

Note that in Iraq women’s hijabs represent family honor too. The hijab shows to what degree each woman has assimilated to the patriarchy’s demands. Take inspiration from them! Their respect for male aesthetics in combination with their religious malleability are what give them their congential fashion-sense!

If you’ve been to the Middle East, or live in a large city, you’ve seen those Arab women can wear their hijabs with sex appeal and comfort. Durable and smooth textiles like garbadine and chiffon will be easy against delicate, beach-chafed skin this summer. In addition, your new hijab will not only keep you cool, it will prevent your hair from fading in the sun.

Over the past decade lines of organic hemp hijabs, burkas and niqabs have become available through many retailers online. By buying these products made by the struggling nations in the Near East and Asia, you can support NATO troops, as well as democratic Iraqis and Afghanis in their fight for freedom against fundamentalism. On top of this, your environmentally friendly purchase helps save the Planet. Yes, all these goods deeds at the same time by simply doing what you love to do: shop for clothes!

Finally, here are some tips for finding a hijab of the right shades of red, white and blue. Blue has fallen out of favor in recent years but it’s expected to make a comeback already in 2011. Blues you should stick to in 2011 are lagoon blue, baby blue and metallic blue which you probably already have on your swimsuit or tops.

The old glory red of the Star Spangled Banner is definitely out of style, but nationalist chauvinism is never out of style, so what you should go with when looking for a hijab, buying nail polish, or shoe shopping, will be red darkened with purple and blue tones. Lipstick red, crimson and even medium violent red (but not more purple than this) will work great with lagoon blue. Another option if you want to get out a warmer reddish color is a dark vermillion orange.

As far as white goes most most hues work, but try to use Isbaelline, ghost white, anti-flash white as your guidelines for this season. In the fall you can start moving towards eggshell and pearl white.

Colorful hues such as deep purples, vivid greens, pastel pinks, and even some golden earthy colors can be used in coordination with the reds, whites and blues we recommend.

Remember, you too can show you honor for your freedom fighting fathers, spouses and/or male progeny with your new chic hijab. With one of these on your head in 2010′s trendy colors, you’ll find, just like Muslim women, that your look is an edification of the deepest recesses of male-fantasy.

We’ve been hearing for some time now about a pair of pants. Yes, pants. But if the stories are true, and there appear to be several of them, then they are indeed the pants of the gods and goddesses alike! The rumours states that when a woman slips into these pants, that her waistline and bottom physically appear to slim down several sizes!

"Have you seen these pants?"

I know what you must all be thinking “Jenn”, you say; “Jenn, that’s a bunch of hooey and you know it!”

And in most cases, I would be right there with you, calling absolute bull on such a story too. I mean, who would actually believe such a ridiculous rumour? A pair of pants that magically slim the wearer down, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. But that was before I started seeing evidence of such a pair of pants!

If you were to walk through a clothing store, these pants wouldn’t catch your eye, they’d fall in with the rest of the pants on any rack. They would get lost among the clothes on a teenager’s floor if you did not know what you were looking for. Of the evidence I’ve witnessed, they appeared to be an ordinary pair of black casual slacks. Something you could wear to the office or at home watching TV. When I saw the woman tugging the pants up over her waist and fasten them, I didn’t know what to think. In fact nothing happened. After two or three seconds I had gotten bored staring at pair of legs in black pants, until I realized the legs and ass the women were suddenly much smaller than they had been moments ago. This was not a case of an oversized woman crow-barring herself into a pair of skinny jeans to show off. That would have been obvious. Bulges everywhere would have been the easiest thing to see.
In this case, there was nary a telltale sign the women in the pants was bigger than a 4!

There was not cutting away from the woman or replacing her in the jeans with someone smaller, as her stomach and arms still appeared to closer to the regular size the rest of her had been. No muffin tops in sight! It was the same person!

We here at Ladies Monthly will keep you updated on this story as we continue to get clues as to the whereabouts of such a magnificent creation. Imagine a world where your pants gave you the waistline you wanted simply by being worn! The possibilities are endless!

If you or anyone you know find a pair in the wild, get in contact with us as soon as possible.

More to come!
Jenn

This successful cougar is confident in the tone of her arm-flab, look at that reach, in plain sight!

We’ve got some great advice that will help you conceal your beauty flaws while you search for Mr. Right.

First, if you haven’t had kids or been through your second divorce, you’ve got a head start. Studies show that divorce makes you look older. The frustration of divorce increases stress levels. This causes your body to release cortisol, which leads to premature wrinkles. Divorce also brings out that thin-lipped, post-marriage sneer that bachelors find so unattractive.

Most likely you have noticed crow’s feet branching out around your eyes. To hide these you want to apply thick shadow around around your eyelids. Think raccoon. This will cover up wrinkles and give you the basics of that high-contrast style that signals “young seductress.”

Avoid fluorescent and low-energy light sources. Such lighting discloses any wrinkles that make-up doesn’t cover up.

For a decade you’ve been thinking “don’t overdo it with make-up.” But now’s the time to overdo it. Do you think all those porn stars get laid every day because they moderately apply cosmetics to their acne-scarred skin?

Large busts are in high demand, so you might think that it’s important to show cleavage, especially if you have plenty of it. The truth is that your boobs will reveal your unsavory maturity more than anything else. What you need to do is make your breasts as small as possible. Dress so that your breasts look no larger than a kiwi each. This will give you that vernal charm single guys find so hot.

Also, working on the right material to bring out a camel toe should not be an underestimated part of your new beauty arsenal. Wearing tight pants helps you achieve this effect. Elastic materials and spandex leggings almost always do the trick. You can exaggerate your camel toe by sporting a tonsured vagina, which readily pulls in fabric and reveals vaginal cleavage.

Do you have any lesbian friends? Bring them along to your hook-up place and make out with them. Be sure to giggle and squeal while doing it. This attracts alpha males who are always turned on by insecure and stereotypical female behavior. Be sure to show off your tongue ring when Mr. Right approaches to buy you a drink.

Don’t forget about your personality. Learn to see things positively. Everything your potential mate says should make you smile—and be sure to smile with your mouth slightly open. When not smiling be sure to pucker your lips just like a curious manga character. Use glossy lipstick and practice on lolly pops to improve this technique.

Talk like a teenager. If someone says something over a 9th grade mental level just roll your eyes and look like you’re angry at the person who’s talking. If someone asks you a question and expects a serious answer, do not give them an answer based on your experience. Instead, ramble on with groping, vague sentences and tug at your miniskirt in order to divert attention from your inanity.

If hygiene isn’t the easiest thing for you, don’t worry. You don’t have to be clean. You only have to LOOK clean.

Clothes depend on your style. If you think you can wear a sequin tube top then go for it. A black mesh lace thong with hot pink stripes might be for you. Just make sure that your thong can be seen sticking out of your pants or skirt. When you bend over to pick something that you tactically drop on the floor, be sure to reveal your new Hello Kitty tramp stamp.

If you’re more of a kind-hearted, intelligent type, then purple and pink garments should work. If you’re a long-legged lady, big shoes and daisy dukes will accentuate your legs, giving the impression that you’re still growing. A small vest will bring out your curves but also make your leg-length seem even longer. This also helps you give men the impression that you’re still going through puberty.

If you’re more into the darker side of things then go for a peach colored corset with black fishnet stockings with garter belts. Dual, jet-black pony tails go well with this style. Be sure to finish the effect with a black latex belt and a neon-colored gun holster. When standing, always keep your knees together and look vacuously peeved. This will certainly get you phone numbers.

Once you’ve had a few drinks you can really get men excited by babbling about some conflict with your parents regarding your eating habits. The next step is to mention that your step-father was too intimate with you during summer vacations. This ensures even the most insecure male pick-ups that they are still in the game.

If they still haven’t offered to take you out to their van by then, be sure to tell them about how exciting it was last time you were in Japan and unfamiliar men on the subway put their fingers into your mouth.

Always keep guns out of the sight of children.

Guns are not toys, they are objects meant to be used by consenting adults for pleasure, but always in a safe manner. Your children should not see you walking around the house with your guns flashing in the wind. They are meant for use behind closed doors when children aren’t around. If your daughter gets an interest in guns at a young age, don’t get angry, provide her with knowledge on proper use and technique, so that one day she can go out and be a proper gun user.

A happy gun is a clean gun.

Female gun owners should always remember to keep their guns and their man’s guns clean, especially after prolonged use and firing. Let’s be honest ladies, you wouldn’t want to use a gun that had all kinds of moisture, dirt and solidified grease built up on it because it wasn’t kept clean, it’s dangerous not only for you, but anyone you’re involved with at the moment. The best way to clean a gun is to apply a few drops of specialized lubricant in order to provide an extra bit of protection to the gun itself.  If you’re going to get any fun from using it, it has to stay in good shape. No women wants an impotent gun that can’t even muster up blanks. At least blanks provide a bang when you need it.

Always, always make sure that you only clean the gun AFTER it’s been unloaded.

I was cleaning my boyfriend’s gun, but I didn’t check to see if he had unloaded the chamber before he brought it out. Ladies, I can tell you from experience the last thing you want is for a gun to prematurely go off in your face because you didn’t check to see if it was loaded before you started cleaning.

Handling your firearm is not child’s play.

Always point your gun in a safe direction away from your face and body when operating it. Taking a shot in the eye is not my idea of a Friday night on the town. On a related note, do not under any circumstances put a loaded gun in your mouth unless you are absolutely prepared for it go off unexpectedly when you and the gun least expect it. Getting a load in the mouth will come as quite a surprise if you don’t expect it and I can’t imagine many women will be too happy about that. This goes out to all the guys reading this with their girls too.

The bigger the better.

Now I can’t claim I haven’t had really fun experiences with smaller calibre guns before, like that summer I used a local’s vintage Chinese Type 54 while vacationing. They get the job done. But they just don’t provide the feeling of holding a massive black M4 or C7 in my hands as it unloads its clip. It is just this huge rush that comes over my whole body…

It’s always more fun in groups.

You can swap guns with friends who are into it, add a bit of variety to things. Joining a gun club will provide opportunities to meet so many more people that you can shoot with, swap and trade guns and gun stories with that you’ll never get bored with all the guns going off around you. Just make sure that you handle others guns with care and that they’re clean. Don’t want to catch some flack from someone else’s dirty weapon

My current cups were starting to get a bit tight in all the wrong ways, so what better reason to spend some of my man’s money than to get a new bra or four? I left work a bit early that day so that I could call ahead and make sure they had what I needed without having to explain the intricacies of bras to my brain dead boyfriend, and was that ever a good idea… What I thought would be a quick trip to buy some underwear turned into a Lara Croft adventure. That placed was packed. Like colon on pegging night, packed. Women of all shapes and sizes scrambling about the isles of the store like lions scrounging over scraps of animal flesh after taking down a zebra (which by the way, also the pattern on one of the panties I got).

I knew I could peruse the store like the rest of the savage beasts currently occupying it, but if my tits were going to survive another day unscathed, I was going to have to get to the bras fast. Like a cat on the prowl I launched my plan into action, running past the socks and stockings, perhaps later. The soft lighting gave the whole place a surreal look that made me a little scared to go further but my tits persisted. Between me and the bras, two frizzy-haired, magic marker-eyebrowed Latin women fighting over a baby blue silk night gown that would make a whore blush it was so revealing. Stupid illegals should be looking for jobs, not lingerie. Holding my purse tightly I did what anyone would do in that situation, hit the deck, sliding under the gown and one step closer to my destination. Leaping to my feet, I saw that I had been turned around in the daze of watching two women fight over a napkin of blue silk. I had somehow ended up in bathrobes, and needed to get back on track. This task was no easy feat, let me tell you. The bras were directly across the aisle from the bathrobes, a mere 10 feet of floor tile between me and happy breasts. That was of course until I looked up from the tiles to have my eyes met by the girth of what I still to this day hope was a woman. A woman that appeared to have eaten many of the other customers that had gotten in her way en route to this section of the store. I mean this … thing seemed to be simultaneously melting and bulging out of her low-rise jeans and halter top while being perfectly still. I think my mind may have actually blanked completely taking in such a train wreck.

“Oh I’m sorry. Were you looking at bras too? What size are you, I might have grabbed a couple here in your size”

Can you believe the nerve of this whale? Asking me if I wanted to look at the bras she had in her giganto-mits like I needed her help here, when clearly the only help should could provide me was the nearest buffet. “Oh, no thank you. I’ll be just fine on my own.” Now get out of my way bitch, mommy needs her equipment! I smiled as convincingly as I could while gritting my teeth; shoving past her to my prize, her reaction told me I didn’t do a very good job of it. Fuck you bitch, I had arrived! (In the back of my mind I hoped she wouldn’t try to grab me, but I doubt something that big could move fast enough to get me). Finding the right size is the real challenge, and with Bertha blocking out the light it was a task that took longer than I would have liked but the search of bins bore fruit.

I held the bras tightly as I walked to the counter, the two Latinas had moved on to fighting over something else, but had only gotten to ‘Oh no you didn’t’ as I walked past. The cashier, what a bitch. Probably half my age and tits that couldn’t have been real, with her fake smile and chipper demeanor. God I hate that.

In the end, four bras, a handful of panties and some socks for kicks for under 50 bucks. Man’s money well spent. I walked out to my car victorious and survived the bra sale relatively unscathed.

Unlike the traditional look, toe socks offer sandal-loving ladies new variety and protection from the elements. Plus, toe socks extend the sandal season well into October. More benefits of toe socks include: the ability to fit around toe straps, superior blemish and callous coverage, and a modest, but attention-grabbing look.

Toe socks show off your little piglets, but leave what’s underneath up to the imagination. If you like a more rugged look, try cutting off the tips. You’ll be able to show off your new pedicure in grunge-chic style, which is great if you want that extra-special man who loves a nice pair of grungy feet.

Are you undecided if toe socks are too much for you? Try wearing just one! You’ll notice immediately how much attention your feet will attract even with only half of the look in place. You’ll have the men beating down your door, and the ladies pulling their hair out.

Still can’t break away from barefoot? It’s OK, there are plenty of options out there to freshen up your look… just kidding. Do yourself a favor this year and hide your shame with a pair of shoes, and hopefully no one will notice that you’re avoiding this hot new style. No one wants to see your calloused boats roaming the public sidewalks like a pair of deflated cantaloupes. This year, its either hop on the train or be left at the station, so get out there and find yourself a new pair of toe socks.