Sarah Peterson had an abortion after getting pregnant while making love to 6 members of her college’s football team and 3 of their friends one night. “I was so drunk I had like 2 maybe 3 rum and cokes and they got me so giddy,” Sarah Peterson said. “My friend Mike from the football team who is so hot asked me to give him a blow job in the bathroom, and I’m like no, what kind of a girl do you think I am, I’m not that easy. So one thing led to another and we were like doing it in his roommate’s bed and his roommate walked in on us and he was like “you got to wait your turn dude”, so he came inside of me, and then his roommate, and then like seven of their friends came in one right after the other.” Sarah would later find out that her wild night of partying would have consequences.

No need to cancel spring break, just make sure to buy your bikini after the ab-bo.

About 5 weeks later, while in a tanning bed, Sarah started vomiting, and after the sickness continued for a few more days, Sarah went to her OBGYN only to find out that she was indeed pregnant with the child of one of the men. “I was like, oh my god, everyone is gonna think that I’m a total slut just because I got drunk one night and did some things that I shouldn’t have.” Sarah Peterson said with tears in her eyes. “I just wanted to have fun and now I’m pregnant!” Sarah wasn’t able to tell anybody about her pregnancy, not even her boyfriend who was out of town training for his eventual deployment by the Army National Guard to Iraq during the initial conception (gang-bang) that created the fetus. She was unable to turn to her parents and friends out of fear of embarrassment after telling them the story about how exactly she got pregnant, except for her best friend forever (BFF) Ashley Miller, who too was also pregnant and couldn’t tell her boyfriend. “I was like oh my god Sarah you’re pregnant too,” Ashley said with total excitement in her voice! “We so gotta go to the clinic together and get this taken care of!” Sara replied, “I can’t wait! We’ll go shopping and get our nails done and do lunch and then go tanning afterwards! We could make an afternoon of it! It’s gonna be so much fun!”

Ashley, who got pregnant on a “girls night out” while her boyfriend was working, didn’t have anybody to tell either, she was afraid her friends and family would think that she was a “total slut” for getting knocked up in a bathroom at a bar by some random dude named Rufus. The only person she could tell was her other BFF Emily, who was also friends with Sarah. “I was so shocked when Ashley came to me and told me that she was pregnant,” Emily said with apparent shock. Emily, who was wondering if she was pregnant too after hooking up with Sarah’s boyfriend one night at a party, and eventually she found out she was indeed knocked up but was too afraid to tell Ashley because her and Sarah were BFFs too. Emily eventually told Ashley that she was pregnant but didn’t say it was to Tom, Sarah’s boyfriend.

Ashley, amazed that her and her two BFFs were knocked up at the same time, and were now planning to get their first abortions together, had to tell Sarah the good news. “Is it cool if Emily comes along?,” Ashley asked… “I wouldn’t really feel like comfortable,” Sarah replied. “It’s totally cool, Emily’s pregnant too,” Ashley said with a big smile on her face! “Oh my god,” Sarah replied with amazement in her voice, “This is gonna be the best Friday afternoon ever! We can go tanning in the morning, so we’ll look hot while we’re at the clinic, then we’ll go to the clinic, then afterwards we’ll totally go shopping and do lunch!”

Five years later the girls were in their mid 20s, over-experienced and leathery from all of the fun and tanning they went through in college, trying desperately to hang on to the first guy who seemed to have a decent job, and all three of them painfully regretted getting their abortions. “We were only 20 at the time,” Sarah said while crying. “We didn’t know any better, and now the only thing I can do to ease my guilt is to look up all nine of those guys and tell each one of them that I may have aborted their unborn child.” “Me and Sarah didn’t speak for a while after that whole getting pregnant to her boyfriend thing back in college,” Emily said with regret. “After she found out one night when Ashley got liquored up and told her, we didn’t speak for a while but we’re much more mature now and learned to put the past behind us! Even though Tom dumped her for me and now we’re married! But we’re all friends now!” “I wish I wouldn’t have gotten that abortion,” Ashley said. “So what if I would have a black baby, I mean I could have just told my boyfriend Richie that it was his. He has some dark skinned ancestors in his family. But now Richie and I are married and we Rufus may never known that he could have had a son if only I wasn’t so selfish and didn’t get that damn abortion!”

Looking at that nose one cannot help but wonder where it has been.

Perhaps we all should have known something was up at the Second Mile when all the tight ends started leaving as wide receivers.

It was said that at the training camp, Sandusky was thought of as a father figure, but perhaps there should have been more alarm when youths started to refer to him as “Daddy.”

So it was no surprise to some when allegations surfaced of anal rape. It was only surprising, perhaps, that the media did not refrain from using the term “anal rape” in their coverage. We here at the Ladies’ Monthly have always believed in telling it like it is, so we have never refrained from watering down “anal rape” to such terms as “non-consentual sodomy,” “sexual misconduct,” or “surprise buttsex.”

However, that is exactly what was done by Penn State faculty. By the time the rape allegations reached the ears of those who needed to hear, the police, the beans had already been spilled, cooked, eaten, defecated, and eaten again, … repeatedly… by Penn State officials.

But all is not lost. Coach McQueary claims to have contacted police, to great effect, as there is no record of their conversation whatsoever. Perhaps McQueary is lying to protect himself like some red-headed chickenshit snake charmer, or perhaps the officer in charge of the case tossed the file to protect the investment he made with his bookie for that weekend’s game.

But worst of all is the effect on the children. It is hard enough to stay away from the familiar smell of axe body spray and Irish spring, which no doubt could bring back memories of a slathering, middle-aged, naked man bent over you, fixed on stealing your anal virginity. Now there is media coverage, street conversation, newspaper articles, magazine covers, all with their own takes on the situation. Even this article, in all its glory, stands as an object of trauma to those involved with Sandusky.

And although the coverage has begun to wane, there is still learning to be had. Men like Sandusky are bound to be on their toes in the coming months. As a woman and mother, look out for signs that abuse could be occurring behind closed doors. When you walk in on the High School basketball coach molesting a 13 year old boy, don’t just toss him some lube and say “Go get em’, Tiger,”… spread rumors around town until someone with fewer social obligations steps up to the plate to report it.

With your help, we can ensure that men like Sandusky are never able to get their jollies with innocent, underage boys. Perhaps if he would have spent a little more time with his wife, (and read our article about opening her up to anal), maybe he wouldn’t be a few court dates away from getting himself opened up to anal. Unfortunately for Sandusky, the showers in jail might not have cute grad-student voyeurs, but they do have plenty of people who won’t tell.

Laughing at her tears may also help you in overcoming your jealousy. Cry, bitch, cry!

1. Look Forward

In a few weeks, Casey will just be one more name on the list of women who lucked out. Sure, she’ll be living it up, enjoying her personal and legal freedom. What you can do is think about what will happen to her as the years pass, and the active life of alcoholism and gluttony moves on. Slowly, she will age and wither, her smooth face will wrinkle, her murderer’s hands will grow cracked and her bones will become brittle. And eventually, she will die. Then, it’s God’s turn. He will pull out her toenails, fork her tongue, pluck out her eyes, and then send her down to hell for the Devil to deal with her. That’ll show her!

2. Live and Learn

Now that Casey has succeeded in breaking the “glass ceiling” in a way Hilary Clinton never publicly could, women everywhere have the perfect template for their own journeys of growth, self-discovery, and child murder. Before you know it, you’ll have your weekdays off and a brand new book deal of your own. By letting go of your jealousy for Casey, you can learn from her. Real women don’t fuss over the personal affairs of others, real women do what it takes to get the job done.

3. Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

When you decide how to kill your own children, it might help you in your letting go process to throw a bone Casey’s way. Buy heart-shaped stickers for your duct tape, or bribe a meter reader with money or sex to hide the body and lie to police. By emulating Casey, you can have some insight into her position, empathize with her, and help yourself to move beyond your petty jealousy. Well, that and the fact that those brats won’t need picked up from school five days a week. In any case, imitating the Caylee Anthony murder will help you to look past your superficial differences with Casey and learn from your deepest similarities.

1. Admit that Nothing is Wrong with You

Some therapies for addiction require people to admit that they have a problem, and forever carry with them the scar of being an “addict.” We here at the Ladies’ Monthly know that’s a lot of bullshit, and it is simply no replacement for mindfulness and self control. So the first step in our program is to admit that absolutely nothing is the matter with you. All your problems are a fabrication of your overactive imagination and your dissatisfaction with life is the result of refusing to let go of your overambitious dreams. Just say it to yourself, “There is nothing wrong with me!” Scream it! Roar it when you wake up in the morning! Sing it when you’re in the shower! Whisper it to yourself before you go to sleep. And recite it each time you cut out another line in the bathroom after your husband starts snoring.

2. Increase your Dosage

These two she-devils are tweaked out of their minds on legal bath salts after covering themselves head to toe in the amphetamine sold as "plant food." One thing is certain, something is getting fertilized tonight, and its not the tomato plants.

Some ill-advised therapies for addiction require users to taper their dosages to slowly wean themselves off of drugs. The problem with this is that it does not get to the root of the problem. Tapering dosages tortures drug users by leaving them without any treatment for their desire to do drugs, but only slowly taking them away. That’s why our therapy advises ramping up your dosage. Take so many bath salts you throw up and black out, waking up to find yourself underground, in a black bodybag, with a throbbing heart and a sore asshole. See if you want to head down to the Safeway for some fun after that.

3. Recovery

Once you’ve had your stomach pumped and come out of your post-binge coma, your recovery period is vital to long-term success. Surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear. Don’t allow anyone to spread negativity, you don’t need it right now. Try to displace your shame by blaming your parents, spouse, or children. This cast-like emotional cocoon will do wonders for your self esteem, and help to remove some of the reason for why you feel the need to almost kill yourself with cheap synthetic drugs.

4. Relapse

Most treatment plans fail when patients relapse. That’s why our treatment plan includes one as part of the itinerary. But this relapse isn’t some pathetic dive bar rampage and small-time prostitution for cheap meth, no. This relapse will teach you a lesson. After your overdose you should have plenty of left over bath salts littering your house. Scrape them all up from your dresser, mattress, and bathroom floor. Don’t worry about getting a little Comet in there, it’s not bad stuff and it smells great. Take all these shavings, complete with whatever hair, dust particles, and cookie crumbs that were scraped up with them, and make yourself a line that would close down a soup kitchen. Snort as much as you can into both nostrils, then shove the remains into your mouth, ears, eyes, vagina, and anus. After your second drug induced coma, you should start to see the light. Just don’t go towards it yet, there’s still one step left.

5. False Enlightenment and Self-Righteousness

To finally kiss this habit goodbye, you’re going to need to chip off some of the old block, your sanity that is. Have a “transcendental moment,” “spiritual awakening,” “moment with God” or some other kind of amorphously meaningful, but pleasant, psychotic break. Use this experience as a stepping stone to thinking you have gained control over yourself. But merely telling yourself that you can do it is not enough, in order to believe your reason for change, your “moment of enlightenment,” you must sell the experience to others. The more people that believe your story, the more comfortable you will feel lying to yourself and others about it in the future. Once your transformation is complete, swear off all your old habits and look down on all those who still do them. It is not enough to simply change, you must treat those who act like your “former self” as worthless, pathetic, and totally without judgement. How else can you stop yourself from becoming one of them again?

Where do you want to eat?

The age-old question. In relationships consisting of two women, this question can bounce back and fourth for days. Rather than asking the nearest man on the street where you should go, its easy to decide for yourselves. Choose a few restaurants you like, and break out the Ouija board, dim the lights, and get to it. You can try channeling your grandmother for advice, or your favorite celebrity, but just make sure you both remain focused or you might as well channel Chef Boyardee.

The Aftermath

If you’ve read our article “Eat Smart for Neutral Vaginal Scent” you realize the potential ramifications of your chosen meal. For lesbian couples, the effects are twice as noticeable. There are no hard and fast rules, but if you encourage your partner to go for liver and onions, don’t be surprised if you regret your decision later that night. In other words, don’t limit yourself on what you want for dinner, just be ready to have it again for dessert. If you’re really savvy, try eating complementary meals with your partner. That way when you catch a bit of your own Victorian Salad, it will be a welcome pairing to her Roast Duck, and vice versa.

Keeping a Tight… Budget

If you’re on a budget, eating out might not be the best idea. Try preparing a meal yourself. Go to your local grocer or farmer’s market and pick out some good deals on fresh produce. Try looking through cookbooks, searching online, or watching some Giada Di Laurentiis. If you go with Giada, however, make sure to leave a few minutes afterwards for a cooldown period, you won’t want to preheat the oven once she’s done preheating yours. Just don’t let the fantasies of Giada tossing your salad overshadow the upcoming meal.

Threesome!

Playing With Your Food

In most restaurants, food play is frowned upon, but in some bars lesbian play of any kind is allowed and even encouraged. Even if you’re too shy to smear chocolate syrup all over your partner to lick her clean in front of a crowd of cheering bystanders, you can spice things up at home with some creative food choices. There’s always the classic strawberries, whipped cream, and cucumbers, but if you’re really adventurous break out the exotics. Ever made her cum with a kumquat? Ever made her scream with ice-cream? Ever made her say “Yes Ma’am” to a leg of lamb? With some creativity, the world is your oyster, and with some dental floss, so are your anal beads!

Hardwood flooring is easily maintained with regular waxing.

Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about some home renovations. And the one that should be on all women’s minds is of course flooring. Yes, flooring. It’s something you see and use every day of your life and you probably never give it more than a seconds thought throughout the day unless it gets splashed with unsightly goo or your man tracks some mud in from the backdoor.

Look at your floor. Look at it. Now think, how long have you had that exact same carpeting throughout your house? I can’t speak for all of you, but I would think a majority of you just answered ‘As long as I can remember’. I’m sure your man would probably say the same thing ladies, but he wouldn’t be as happy about it. Secretly and not so secretly, your man has wanted to get rid of the carpeting and have the two of you choose a nice hard wood floor to replace it. It would suit your place better, and you’ve long since gotten rid of the drapes. They don’t clash with the carpet, but really, it throws the whole room off when they don’t go well together.

This isn’t helped by the fact that even with being cleaned regularly, there are some stains that just won’t come out of any carpet, regardless of how many products Billy Mayes tries to sell you for it. That birthday party 3 three years ago, where your friend went down after a few too many drinks and took the crab dip with him? It’s still there. It’s not as bad as you first thought, but it’s still noticeable when you have company over. Not to mention your husband will quite often track dirt in from working out back. It’s really not worth the continued effort to clean the mud out of your carpet every couple of weeks. A clean, solid hard surface would be much easier to clean and you can more or less forget about stains. Dirt and crab sauce will clean right up.

God forbid you ever thinking of selling your place. It’s a big part of your life (And renting is out of the question), you and your man have done a lot there. If you did, however, choose to start showing it off on the market, ask anyone in the business, and they’ll tell you the size of the market of people interested in looking at carpeted places is niche at best. The buyers market has spoken, and barren floors free of dust and carpeting is what buyers demand from their units now.

Carpeting is something your mother and her sisters lived with in their day and age and as much as I want all Ladies Monthly readers to love and respect their mothers, times and traditions change. It’s not the 1970′s anymore. Shag carpeting is not stylish, at least not outside Japan, but then everything is just this side of weird there. As with all things style, Europeans started the trend and it has moved across the pond to the floors of our once heavily carpeted shores.

Don’t forget, once you’ve put down hard wood or marble flooring you don’t have to leave things plain and uninteresting. As much as the sheen of light bouncing of smooth marble or reflecting off of stained hardwood can be, maybe that floor doesn’t quite look right. Don’t tear it up and start over. That’s wasting time, money, and effort when the solution is a lot simpler than you think. I’ll bet your man or even your friends would really enjoy the vibe from a posh little throw rug. You can be as simple with a solid colour or go crazy with some kind of design, but that little rug can go a long way. You’ll get compliments on just how creative you are from friends and family. You might even inspire them to follow suit.

There are a number of effective strategies for setting your gay daughter straight that have been developed over the years. We here at the Ladies’ Monthly bring you the three most effective that we have encountered.

1. Moral Pressure
Remind your daughter of the moral atrocity she is committing, as well as the ramifications of her decisions to her God. Explain how gay sex cannot produce children, and how gay marriage still remains illegal. If she is not far gone, simply mentioning her family commitments may be enough to snap her out of it.

2. Doll Her Up
In middle stages it can be more work to influence your daughter’s lifestyle choices. Shower her with gifts like makeup and new girls’ clothes to replace her baggy blue jeans and hockey jerseys. Redecorate her room and transform it into an inviting boudoir for any potential male suitors, but keep it girly to deter any homosexual use. Buy her movies like Snow White, The Princess Bride, and Cinderella, along with music by artists like Dolly Parton, Neil Young, and Britney Spears. Avoid new artists like Lady Gaga or you may have a prissy glamor lesbian on your hands before you can say “Alejandro.”

3. The Bait and Switch
Our last, but most effective strategy. The Bait and Switch should be your last resort. However, it is a very powerful tool, and you are not likely to be disappointed. Wait until an important event, like Homecoming or Prom. Knowing your daughter, she won’t have a date, so it’s your job to set her up with a nice boy. Since at this late stage she will surely refuse, you’ll need to outwit her. Set her up with an attractive young lady. She’ll see your actions as a motion of respect and acceptance of who she is, and she will most surely agree. What she won’t know is that her elegant suitor is actually a transvestite. He will use his skills to seduce her as a woman, maybe even making her fall in love. After the dresses come off, she’ll be given the surprise of a lifetime, a night she will not soon forget.

Beverly, Pensacola Florida: I think the new tax is an outrage, but I’m not surprised.  I knew that when the blacks didn’t get the reparations for slavery they wanted they would find a way to get their money. You don’t see them taxing shea butter and Kool-aid do you?  No, they’re taxing whites specifically, just look at what Obama’s new taxes target:  sunless tanning, soda pop, and the rich.

Cheryl, Madison Wisconsin: I don’t know if the new tax is personal, I think it could just be another tax on unhealthy habits.  After all, if Obama was really a racist and wanted to make America more black,  wouldn’t he be giving out a tax credit for sunless tanning?

Yvette, New York New York: I find the new tax to be somewhat racist, but I approve of it.  I think that it’s a good idea to tax sunless tanning, it is a strain on our health system.  The last thing we need is more broke college kids going to the hospital on the taxpayer nickel for chemotherapy and sexually transmitted diseases.

Diane, Tempe Arizona: I don’t understand why anyone would want to spend their money on sunless tanning already, here in Arizona we spend more money trying to keep from tanning.  Despite that, I still see sunless tanning available in nearly every strip mall and salon I visit.  Why pay anything for tanning at all when the sun is free every day no matter where you are?  The sun may be small but it gives off a lot of light, I hope some of these women who tan indoors will come to realize that now with the new tax.

You found your man and coerced him into engagement.  He let you plan the wedding however you wanted, and took you on your dream honeymoon, but what’s next?  If you think you’re out of the water now, you’re in for a surprise when your man starts giving you lip every time you tell him to do things.  It can be difficult to make a man care about your needs as well as his own, and for some the prospect may not actually be a possibility.  Nonetheless, you can try, and so here are a few effective ways to help your husband or significant other see things from your perspective.

Make him dependent on you.

You need to convince your man that you have something he doesn’t.  There are a number of ways to do this, including making more money than him, being a good cook, bearing children, and withholding sex.  You need to have a few good lines like, “I take care of these kids all day and you can’t even…” or “I have a headache because you never took the trash out.” and “If you don’t I’m leaving you.”

Don’t give an inch.

Breaking your man down can take months or even years, but it will only take longer if you make it into a game of give and take.  You need to take, take, take, or else you’ll never make any progress.  Make him do things that you wouldn’t do yourself, like driving several hours to see you, buying you expensive dinners, and Valentine’s Day Wednesdays.

Sex

Using sex to your advantage is surely something you’ve learned already, but it can’t hurt to practice fundamentals.   First off, you have to make him work for it.  Make sure he realizes that if he doesn’t play by your rules, there isn’t going to be any game at all.  Using sex starts outside the bedroom.  You need to keep him thinking about having sex with you as much as possible, but keep the actual time spent having sex to a minimum.  Be receptive, but not easy, or else you risk boring him.  Try on new outfits for him, act kinky but don’t be kinky, and always be more generous with sex on vacations, or else he may become too comfortable staying at home.

Complain

When your man does something for you, don’t let him off easy if he doesn’t do it exactly as you want it.  You need to make sure that he understands that its not the thing being done that is important, but how you want it to be done.  If he does, then you are close to being on your way to having the man you deserve.  Only give him what he wants when he has finished doing everything you want, i.e. never.

Lie about daddy.

Garnishing the truth a little will help you really win your kids over.  You want to exaggerate whatever problems were actually present.  If he wasn’t spending enough time with you, tell your kids that he was seeing other women.  If he was seeing other women, tell your kids that he didn’t love them anymore and he didn’t want to be their dad anymore.  If you lost interest in him but kept him committed to you for his worth to you, subjecting both of you to a marriage that eventually neither of you wanted to be in, and he eventually caught wind and ran, tell your kids that he ran off with a girl half his age to a South American country.  That way you’ll never have to talk about it again.

Don’t support what your children do with daddy.

If you find yourself in the unlucky position of having to let him see your kids, or worse, joint custody… be sure to talk to your kids about all the bad things that he does with them.  If he takes them to the zoo, have them watch some PETA videos and try to get them interested in radical environmentalism.  If he tries to make them interested in sports, tell them that sports are for dumb people and that they will get hit by baseballs.

Argue in front of your children.

There’s no sense hiding the truth, everybody knows how you feel about each other by now.  Argue with your ex-husband whenever you two come into contact.  You need to maintain a miniature poodle like snappiness and a swift bite.  Make sure the kids hear you win.  If he has anything on you, be sure to bring out the big guns early to nullify any chance of a counterattack. Remind him of how he fucked his secretary in your bed while you were taking the kids to Cedar Point, and be sure to shout it loud enough for them to hear you.

Bring in new people.

They say that when you lose something, the easiest way to get over it is to find a replacement.  Men are no exception.  The sooner you meet a new man for your kids to bond with, the sooner you can cut off all contact with the former male presence in their lives.  Further, The sounds of raucous lovemaking with your new stud will help your kids with adjusting to the new circumstances.

Sever all contact with daddy.

Ultimately you are going to need to eliminate all contact between your kids and their biological father to allow the healing to set in.  The longer it takes, the more likely it will be that your kids will become attached, and if you aren’t on your toes, they could turn on you.  Be sure to hide this article from them.  If they become aware that you may be trying to influence them, you’re going to need to do serious damage control.  You may have to take matters into your own hands.  Sometimes if you need something done right, you have to do it yourself.  If daddy is around to keep airing all your dirty laundry, your authority as a parent could be totally undermined, but if he isn’t then you’ll be totally free.  Nothing will stand in your way.  So obviously moving far away from him is something you would want to consider if your resources allow it.

Take the Stairs

There’s no faulting you for accidentally slipping down the stairs.  Even if you end up sliding down each one on your belly like your child would have if you hadn’t, no one will believe that you did it on purpose.  After the tragic accident, take a trip to the doctor and have everything made official.  You want to avoid any potential prosecution later.  If you stain your blouse or underwear when you pass the fetus, don’t fret or cry, just use vinegar and club soda, and if you have time, presoak overnight.

The Zit

Have the would-be father help you out with this method.  Lie on the ground flat on your back with your legs relaxed and your arms at your sides.  Have your partner stand 10-15 feet away and wait for your signal.  When you give him the go ahead, he will take off sprinting, springing into a leap which, if properly executed, will land him squarely on your stomach with all of his weight.  If he stuck the landing, the developing child will leave you, resembling not much more than a bloody stool.

Stress

Another way to cure your pregnancy is to stress the baby into submission.  Coax it out by smoking cigarettes, drinking, and eating nothing but ice.  Worrying and anxiety can be enough, so if you’re having trouble inducing early stillbirth try imagining driving in traffic or crying children.

Household Chemicals

Bleach, Lysol, and rubbing alcohol can all be effective at terminating your pregnancy early when applied with a turkey baster or syringe.  But if you’ve got a bun in the oven, nothing works better than oven cleaner.  Effective household chemicals will stop the fetus from developing without transforming it into a glowing mutant with super strength and zombie-like endurance.

Education

Let your baby know what awaits it on the outside.  Tell it about what life is like, how it will have to go to school and find work.  Explain family life, how people resolve conflicts and bond with those around them.  Explain what being married is like, and how it feels to know that’s how you’ll live for the rest of your life.  In no time the fetus will be strangling itself with its own umbilical cord.  If that fails, switch out your baby Bach tape with top-40 radio until it gives itself an early c-section, having just enough strength to claw its way out and curse you under its last breath.

2. Admit that you have a scale in your bathroom and that your weight is a thought that regurgitates on you throughout the day.

3. Read the fashion magazines. Nothing will make you as paranoid and self-critical as these. The checklists and celebrity profiles will quickly help you find your own faults.

4. Ask your partner or best-friends if your clothes or any part of your body ”looks OK”. You can be sure the opposite of a positive answer is true.

5. Go to a beach and observe girls half your age who’ve never had children and reminiscence on your sedentary lifestyle and binge-eating habits that have given you your many ripples of cellulite.

6. Log into your partner’s favorite porn sites and compare your body with his favorite girls.

7. Calcuate your BMI – over 25 and you’re a porker!

8. Do you consider yourself a positive, outgoing, fun-loving girl with a normal upbringing? Would you write this on dating website? If this is you, the you it’s time to come to terms with yourself for who you are: a superficial, neurotic scatterbrain. Your personality was atrophied in early childhood due to your overwhelming sense of how you should be rather than how you are.

9. Do you feel Ann Coulter has an inexplicable aura? If this is correct, then you can be sure you’re lacking critical thinking skills and/or perspective.

10. Yes or no. Creationism, although you don’t agree with it, should be taught in schools, because it is a valid scientific theory. If you answered yes, you missed those 12 years of grade school and should brush up on your basic understanding of scientific theory and logic before going to either the voting polls or expressing your opinion in public again.

11. Yes or no. Instead of saying what you want, you try to show people what you want by smirking, jerking your head, swearing under your breath, fluffing your hair, playing the noble victim, frowning and/or making terse remarks in a surly, defensive tone. If any or all of the above apply then you, like 70 million North American women, are insecure and suffer from a passive-aggressive personality disorder.

12. Do you compensate for guilt, anger, boredom, existential anguish, loneliness, depression and/or suicidal tendencies by eating, shopping or buying services? If you can say yes to any or all of these and are over 25, you’re simply a lost cause. No amount of counseling, dieting, meditation or self-improvement programs will set you right and bring you in touch with the basic realities of your existence.

BONUS – That you’re concerned whether there’s something wrong with you is itself the best proof you have: You are a shallow, conceited person. Your condition is most likely due to an overbearing, chauvinist father and weak mother. You clearly look for happness not in yourself, but in what others do or say you should do. There’s no turning back, and unlike for your turkey chin, wrinkles and thin lips, there is no plastic surgery that will right this wrong. The wounds on the inside are yours for life.