2. Admit that you have a scale in your bathroom and that your weight is a thought that regurgitates on you throughout the day.

3. Read the fashion magazines. Nothing will make you as paranoid and self-critical as these. The checklists and celebrity profiles will quickly help you find your own faults.

4. Ask your partner or best-friends if your clothes or any part of your body ”looks OK”. You can be sure the opposite of a positive answer is true.

5. Go to a beach and observe girls half your age who’ve never had children and reminiscence on your sedentary lifestyle and binge-eating habits that have given you your many ripples of cellulite.

6. Log into your partner’s favorite porn sites and compare your body with his favorite girls.

7. Calcuate your BMI – over 25 and you’re a porker!

8. Do you consider yourself a positive, outgoing, fun-loving girl with a normal upbringing? Would you write this on dating website? If this is you, the you it’s time to come to terms with yourself for who you are: a superficial, neurotic scatterbrain. Your personality was atrophied in early childhood due to your overwhelming sense of how you should be rather than how you are.

9. Do you feel Ann Coulter has an inexplicable aura? If this is correct, then you can be sure you’re lacking critical thinking skills and/or perspective.

10. Yes or no. Creationism, although you don’t agree with it, should be taught in schools, because it is a valid scientific theory. If you answered yes, you missed those 12 years of grade school and should brush up on your basic understanding of scientific theory and logic before going to either the voting polls or expressing your opinion in public again.

11. Yes or no. Instead of saying what you want, you try to show people what you want by smirking, jerking your head, swearing under your breath, fluffing your hair, playing the noble victim, frowning and/or making terse remarks in a surly, defensive tone. If any or all of the above apply then you, like 70 million North American women, are insecure and suffer from a passive-aggressive personality disorder.

12. Do you compensate for guilt, anger, boredom, existential anguish, loneliness, depression and/or suicidal tendencies by eating, shopping or buying services? If you can say yes to any or all of these and are over 25, you’re simply a lost cause. No amount of counseling, dieting, meditation or self-improvement programs will set you right and bring you in touch with the basic realities of your existence.

BONUS – That you’re concerned whether there’s something wrong with you is itself the best proof you have: You are a shallow, conceited person. Your condition is most likely due to an overbearing, chauvinist father and weak mother. You clearly look for happness not in yourself, but in what others do or say you should do. There’s no turning back, and unlike for your turkey chin, wrinkles and thin lips, there is no plastic surgery that will right this wrong. The wounds on the inside are yours for life.

So how do you coordinate the red, white and blue with this season’s bright yellows and blue-marines as found in summer’s smartest fashion lines?

The answer is found right under the noses of the American middle class. No, not at home, but in those noxious, overcrowded Arab cities lacking food and water due to our military occupation. The answer, in other words, is to borrow that Arab flare we know so well from films and magazines.

You’re thinking, sure, I’m already tired of the flat cap I bought last fall, and that jet-black cocktail hat I got in March wasn’t me anyhow… but how am I going to turn my bright pink and mushroom-taupe scarves, which are for summer cocktail parties, into cocktail hijabs? How does my baby blue body glove, or my coral red g-string, turn from seaside chic into homeland sheik?

The answer is simple. The hijab.

Although Islam prescribes draconian rules about headscarves and leggings, it doesn’t prescribe strict rules of color or style. Certainly that’s a freedom of choice that Western women do not have, as they must follow meticulous seasonal color-schemes and restricted clothing patterns dictated by big city designers.

Iraqi women know to dress for both the searing heat and the freezing cold of the desert with their loose fitted clothing. Their hijabs protect from windstorms, heat, sand and sunshine. What better garment to bring in for summer 2010 and use even into late winter?

Note that in Iraq women’s hijabs represent family honor too. The hijab shows to what degree each woman has assimilated to the patriarchy’s demands. Take inspiration from them! Their respect for male aesthetics in combination with their religious malleability are what give them their congential fashion-sense!

If you’ve been to the Middle East, or live in a large city, you’ve seen those Arab women can wear their hijabs with sex appeal and comfort. Durable and smooth textiles like garbadine and chiffon will be easy against delicate, beach-chafed skin this summer. In addition, your new hijab will not only keep you cool, it will prevent your hair from fading in the sun.

Over the past decade lines of organic hemp hijabs, burkas and niqabs have become available through many retailers online. By buying these products made by the struggling nations in the Near East and Asia, you can support NATO troops, as well as democratic Iraqis and Afghanis in their fight for freedom against fundamentalism. On top of this, your environmentally friendly purchase helps save the Planet. Yes, all these goods deeds at the same time by simply doing what you love to do: shop for clothes!

Finally, here are some tips for finding a hijab of the right shades of red, white and blue. Blue has fallen out of favor in recent years but it’s expected to make a comeback already in 2011. Blues you should stick to in 2011 are lagoon blue, baby blue and metallic blue which you probably already have on your swimsuit or tops.

The old glory red of the Star Spangled Banner is definitely out of style, but nationalist chauvinism is never out of style, so what you should go with when looking for a hijab, buying nail polish, or shoe shopping, will be red darkened with purple and blue tones. Lipstick red, crimson and even medium violent red (but not more purple than this) will work great with lagoon blue. Another option if you want to get out a warmer reddish color is a dark vermillion orange.

As far as white goes most most hues work, but try to use Isbaelline, ghost white, anti-flash white as your guidelines for this season. In the fall you can start moving towards eggshell and pearl white.

Colorful hues such as deep purples, vivid greens, pastel pinks, and even some golden earthy colors can be used in coordination with the reds, whites and blues we recommend.

Remember, you too can show you honor for your freedom fighting fathers, spouses and/or male progeny with your new chic hijab. With one of these on your head in 2010′s trendy colors, you’ll find, just like Muslim women, that your look is an edification of the deepest recesses of male-fantasy.

This successful cougar is confident in the tone of her arm-flab, look at that reach, in plain sight!

We’ve got some great advice that will help you conceal your beauty flaws while you search for Mr. Right.

First, if you haven’t had kids or been through your second divorce, you’ve got a head start. Studies show that divorce makes you look older. The frustration of divorce increases stress levels. This causes your body to release cortisol, which leads to premature wrinkles. Divorce also brings out that thin-lipped, post-marriage sneer that bachelors find so unattractive.

Most likely you have noticed crow’s feet branching out around your eyes. To hide these you want to apply thick shadow around around your eyelids. Think raccoon. This will cover up wrinkles and give you the basics of that high-contrast style that signals “young seductress.”

Avoid fluorescent and low-energy light sources. Such lighting discloses any wrinkles that make-up doesn’t cover up.

For a decade you’ve been thinking “don’t overdo it with make-up.” But now’s the time to overdo it. Do you think all those porn stars get laid every day because they moderately apply cosmetics to their acne-scarred skin?

Large busts are in high demand, so you might think that it’s important to show cleavage, especially if you have plenty of it. The truth is that your boobs will reveal your unsavory maturity more than anything else. What you need to do is make your breasts as small as possible. Dress so that your breasts look no larger than a kiwi each. This will give you that vernal charm single guys find so hot.

Also, working on the right material to bring out a camel toe should not be an underestimated part of your new beauty arsenal. Wearing tight pants helps you achieve this effect. Elastic materials and spandex leggings almost always do the trick. You can exaggerate your camel toe by sporting a tonsured vagina, which readily pulls in fabric and reveals vaginal cleavage.

Do you have any lesbian friends? Bring them along to your hook-up place and make out with them. Be sure to giggle and squeal while doing it. This attracts alpha males who are always turned on by insecure and stereotypical female behavior. Be sure to show off your tongue ring when Mr. Right approaches to buy you a drink.

Don’t forget about your personality. Learn to see things positively. Everything your potential mate says should make you smile—and be sure to smile with your mouth slightly open. When not smiling be sure to pucker your lips just like a curious manga character. Use glossy lipstick and practice on lolly pops to improve this technique.

Talk like a teenager. If someone says something over a 9th grade mental level just roll your eyes and look like you’re angry at the person who’s talking. If someone asks you a question and expects a serious answer, do not give them an answer based on your experience. Instead, ramble on with groping, vague sentences and tug at your miniskirt in order to divert attention from your inanity.

If hygiene isn’t the easiest thing for you, don’t worry. You don’t have to be clean. You only have to LOOK clean.

Clothes depend on your style. If you think you can wear a sequin tube top then go for it. A black mesh lace thong with hot pink stripes might be for you. Just make sure that your thong can be seen sticking out of your pants or skirt. When you bend over to pick something that you tactically drop on the floor, be sure to reveal your new Hello Kitty tramp stamp.

If you’re more of a kind-hearted, intelligent type, then purple and pink garments should work. If you’re a long-legged lady, big shoes and daisy dukes will accentuate your legs, giving the impression that you’re still growing. A small vest will bring out your curves but also make your leg-length seem even longer. This also helps you give men the impression that you’re still going through puberty.

If you’re more into the darker side of things then go for a peach colored corset with black fishnet stockings with garter belts. Dual, jet-black pony tails go well with this style. Be sure to finish the effect with a black latex belt and a neon-colored gun holster. When standing, always keep your knees together and look vacuously peeved. This will certainly get you phone numbers.

Once you’ve had a few drinks you can really get men excited by babbling about some conflict with your parents regarding your eating habits. The next step is to mention that your step-father was too intimate with you during summer vacations. This ensures even the most insecure male pick-ups that they are still in the game.

If they still haven’t offered to take you out to their van by then, be sure to tell them about how exciting it was last time you were in Japan and unfamiliar men on the subway put their fingers into your mouth.

The Hard Facts

Our ancestors primarily had agricultural lifestyles. As such they lived close to animals and often far away from potential sexual partners. This way of life gave constant opportunity for close encounters with the creatures they tended to.

Ladies’ Monthly Research Lab has found that even today as we live in big cities, 53,8% of the American population regularly engages in naughty play with beasts big and small.

The statistics also show that a majority of the remainder of the population regularly dreams of animals in sexual situations.

For those who live West of the Appalachians the number of zoophiles skyrockets to 87,2% for those over 23 years of age.

Our researchers have also found a political correlation. Zoophilia among Republican voters runs a whopping 99,87%.

If these numbers don’t blow your mind our research team is sure these candid statistics will:

It is estimated that every 43 minutes someone takes a ride to tuna town.

Ladies' Men: Courting sheep on cliffsides is a well-known trick to ensuring an eager mount.

Every 32 minutes a man parks a porpoise.

Every 12 minutes a monkey eats a banana.

Every 6 minutes a woman tames a snake.

Every 3 minutes a worm burps.

Every 52 seconds a flounder is pounded in Rochester alone.

4 out of 10 New Englanders in the 21^st Century still find time, at least once a month on average, to yodel into the clam.

Primatologists estimate that every 27 seconds a woman barks an endangered ape.

Every 7 seconds someones chokes a goat.

Most people out there think choke the goat is originally a euphemism for male masturbation. However the American Heritage Dictionary reveals that it originally referred to erotic asphyxiation of a goat during intercourse with said goat.

In other words, despite what you think about yourself for your beastly deeds and desires, you are not alone.

Protect Yourself

Remember though to use protection. As long as you take precautionary measures there is no reason to fear disease or be embarrassed about spreading aggressive bacterial infections of animal origin to your casual human sex partners.

However allergies are still a problem and many women find that even a double dose of anti-histamines before zoosex can’t suppress the symptoms of fur-reactions.

At Ladies’ Monthly we feel it’s incredibly important to warn zoophiles about the risks of bodily injury from bulky, crook-shaped and bone-hard animals penes. A hard thrusting horse can easily cause internal organ damage if you’re not warmed up. Even the eager billy goat, despite his small penis, when carried away by his satyrical pumping, has been reported to have caused internal bruising to women.

Women should also be careful around equestrian species like zebras—not only due to their size, but also because their stripes, when quickly thrust across the field of vision, have been known to cause vertigo and epileptic seizures.

Elephants have unfortunately been known to trample women to death—something which cave paintings in Southern France also show about wooly mammoths.

Finally, bites and anaphylactic shock may occur due to exposure to animal semen. Another reason to use condoms and dental guards.

Those Embarrassing Moments

Nearly everyone’s had some drippy valves at some point. It seems like a nasty thing, but don’t worry! Chlamydia’s just a reminder that you have a zoophile in your network of sexual partners.

FACT. Sheep’s skin naturally harbors chlamydia. LM Research Lab has with genetic testing traced the first cases of chlamydia to herding Jews on the Arabian Peninsula circa 7,500 years ago.

Don’t be so sensitive when people point out the hair on your suit! They mean nothing when they ask if you have a pet. Nervously brushing the horse hair off your clothes only makes it more conspicuous—everyone just assumes it’s a dog or cat anyhow.

If you have fleas, just blame it on your neighbor’s cat that hangs out outside your door. Remember even with this you’re being paranoid. No one knows! The confidentiality of your sexual habits can remain in tact as long as you think ahead.

I myself used to have a penchant for necrophiliac bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse. That was about the same time I decided to come out of the closet. I found that it wasn’t as embarrassing as you might think. In fact, I had no choice, because my boyfriend walked in on me in the stable one day… It was very embarrassing, but after a long, honest talk I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of. Many of the greatest figureheads in history were zoophiles.

Zoophiles, remember, you are in the company of Greek gods!

Hot Positions

In all the magazines you can read about sex positions for your overweight partners and your parents of ambiguous sexual characteristics. Why do they discriminate against zoophiles?

Who knows, but do keep an eye on Ladies’ Monthly for a feature of hot Kama Sutra tips on how to mount animals of your choice.

Any larger than this and you may need buttock implants to serve as a counterbalance.

Ever feel like your breasts have a life of their own? That men have dialogs with them instead of with you? That they need their own area code? That they have their own center of gravity?

This might be the case if your breasts are of cyclopean proportions. The greatest disadvantage of the defect of elephantine boobs is that these trifling concerns about your paw-patters consume nearly all your precious brain power.

American women lead the world in bra cup size thanks to obesity, an extensive breast-augmentation industry, and more often than not a combination of both of these.

Regardless whether you’re American, if you’re like most ladies you have a love-hate relationship to your magumbos . The hate derives from your chestnuts being unruly: itching, sweating, popping out of low cut garments, but even cancer and disease.

Most frequently the source of hate is the same source of love: size. Without the sufficient girth women feel small, cynical and critical of each other.

In other words, just like penis size, breast size does matter in our society.

If you’re twenty-seven and already struggling against a hunch back you might consider the size of your hooters. Tolerating extra ventral weight is an art it in itself. This art becomes more difficult as time and gravity drag your skin downward over your torso, sagging your milk jugs like melted wax hanging over the side of a candle.

If you want to avoid having loose skin or droopy boobies that look more like pancakes than mammaries, then it’s never too early to consider breast reduction (which can be performed as early as age 14 in some jurisdictions).

Difficulty finding tops is common among women who realize that the third or fourth revision augmentation mammaplasties were not good ideas. If that’s the case, button-down shirts are not your best pick. If you feel just have to wear them, apply double-sided sticky tape from the inside to keep your pomelos in place.

Breast size is also a problem when exercising due to breastual mass momentum. If you’re reading this chances are you’ve found out that heavy-duty support bras only support in light-duty chores. Once the centripetal force of your knockers begins to tug your body in  uncanny directions you quickly find your vestibular system put to extreme tests.

If asked if things feel better when you’re in the pool and you reply “yes, ma’amaplasty!” then it’s definitely time for a reduction.

Breast buoyancy is something many women have long pondered. It is the option we suggest you keep in mind if your boobs are too large but you remain wary of reductive mammaplasty, because a solution is on its way. Water-bras are currently under development in laboratories in Estonia and Switzerland.

Other times your partner is just about to go down there but as soon as they get to your belly button they’re rushing up to your breasts with a look on their face like someone served them a smoothie made of crab-sticks and rotten eggs.

You can turn your bountiful basket into a cornicopia of flavors fit for a fall feast!

Mens’ magazines abound with tips on how to eat smart for better sperm taste. Why can’t the ladies get their own tips for their own fluid?

Like all bodily secretions, vaginal secretions are affected by diet. Simply modifying your diet will improve the taste of your flow. Here are some tips.

Avoid spices, coffee, alcohol, junk food, salt and anything that belongs to American, South American, Asian, European or Inuit cuisine.

One spice, cinnamon, is an exception. It masks and neutralizes taste.

Celery does wonders to reduce bitterness.

Eat more fruits and vegetables. Especially melons. Pineapples, mango and cherry make vaginal juice taste sweet.

Meat makes your meaty flaps salty. If you can’t resist the urge for fried food, opt for chicken and leaner animals. We at LM have proven by trial and error that vegetarians have better tasting secretions than meat eaters.

This should be obvious but avoid fish! You don’t want your muffdiver thinking they’re bobbing for the apple of your eye in a bucket of tuna casserole!

Wheatgrass does wonders for removing toxic chemicals, agricultural pesticides and radioactive materials. Something modern women should keep in mind.

Hydration! Lots of water flushes out toxins and turns your trickling secretions into a mighty Mississippian flood.

The biggest no-nos are garlic and onions. It’s true that onions can prevent heart disease and diabetes, as well as osteoporosis. However the effect of onions when filtered through vaginal secretions is minimal. Post-menopausal cunnilinguists can stop looking for dietary supplements there.

Follow these tips and you’ll find your scent will become far more pleasant.

From the bushy hairdoo to the laser smooth folicle removal, there are many ways to keep your axillae looking good to attract men to these overlooked erogenous zones.

First, don’t worry about shaving your underarms if you don’t want to. But if you want to try but never have, don’t worry. It’s only a myth that the hair will grow back thicker. Shaving has no effect on hair follicles.

A little hair can provide some much-appreciated friction.

In a recent survey it was found that stubble is just about the only style that men don’t like, but even here you find exceptions. There are men who like that rougher touch. There are even certain women who are out for a more rugged underarm scissoring.

Generally though, shaving or going all natural in your pits will reduce friction and give a more intimate feel, also increasing sensitivity and pleasure.

If you want to get rid of the hair, shaving is not the only option. You can also wax or go through laser treatment. If you are going for the natural look you can use conditioner to soften your underarm hair. You can even bleach or dye it for a kinkier look.

Lie your partner on his back and tease him, first with your hands, then working your way up your arms to your elbows, then your biceps, then to your armpits. The idea is to work him into a frenzy. Then, slowly, bit by bit, skewer your gap, until you see shockwaves jolting through his body.

While dabbling in axillaphilia is a great way to have fun, there are a couple of safety issues you need to know:

Make sure you keep the stubble away or check what your partner’s preference is before hand (you don’t want to do a skin graft on his glans) and don’t leave him unattended especially if he’s on top (nothing is worse than getting a spastic knee in your head when he peaks). Also be sure to wash your member’s penis (or any other body part or toy engaged in underarm copulation) before proceeding to vaginal insertion in order to remove odors and bacteria.

Don’t forget, having two arm pits this is a great way to go three-way. If you’re properly warmed up with foreplay, your sebaceous glands will lube your axillae and keep things creamy for all three.

"A mouthguard will ensure you don't chip any teeth."

To begin using a vibrator after having used your hands for years (or decades) can be a challenge. You haven’t developed the motor skills for it, and your forearm and shoulder muscles don’t have the right high-twitch fibers to keep your rhythm steady. It’s just as a difficult for European gals who drive manual cars, then feel confused about the mechanical minimalism of an automatic when they drive in the US for the first time.

With a vibrator, like with an automatic transmission, you don’t have work as hard so you can relax and cruise along, enjoying the experience. If you haven’t had orgasms before there’s a large chance that a vibrator is precisely what you need to get that job done.

Different kinds of vibrators stimulate you in different ways, so we recommend buying several and testing your way to what works best for you. However, if you’re wide you might want to first go for the ”Captain Dong Schlong” line. If you have a strong curvature down there, or if you sharply veer off to the left or right, then you might want to skip the popular ”Jack Rabbit” and instead go for the ”Captain Hook” in any of its seven colors.

Electric or battery operated

Battery operated vibrators give greater freedom of movement, but the electric hold longer. If you travel a lot the battery operated vibrators are best, you don’t want a ”shock” when you get to some strange country!

Size

A smaller head gives more focus on stimulation of your magic buzzer, but the larger vibrators spread lower frequency vibrations through all flesh and bone within one foot of contact.

Tips

Lie on your back and glide the vibrator over your buzzer.

Give your vibrator a name and introduce your partner to it.

If you’ve broken up with a guy a vibrator is a great alternative. Also remember, when things are tough with your male partners you can always dump them – in many cases you’ll get better pleasure and multiple orgasms from your vibrator.

View the vibrator as an ostensive teaching aide. It can assist you in situations where you need more attention to a certain area of your body. Simply pedagogically point it at the pleasure zone in focus and moan, your partner will take notice and act accordingly.

"Are you the sleek, elegant type, or more of a rustic, husky kinda girl?"

You get embarrassed by sex scenes in movies. (–1p)

You like to sit on your cell phone and call yourself. (+1p)

You like to sit on the washing machine in the last, violent spin cycle as you wait for your laundry to be finished. (+2p)

You like bunnies. (+1p)

You like sex in public places with secretly gay, married men. (+3p)

You prefer Winnie the Pooh underwear over red G-strings. (–1p)

Your favorite position is the missionary. (+1p)

You have studied the Kama Sutra. (+3p)

You are allergic to bananas and cucumbers. (-1p)

You keep either a banana or a cucumber, and often both, on your nightstand. (+2p)

You like to go to sex shops and check out the selection. (+3p)

You walk by sex shops and turn red. (+1p)

You walk by sex shops with picket cards on which you’ve written quotes from the Bible or Karl Marx. (-1p)

You admire the work Jenna Jameson has done for the entertainment industry. (+3p)

You’ve never heard of Jenna Jameson. (-1p)

The best book you’ve read is Traci Lords’ autobiography.(+2p)

The best book you’ve read is The Bible. (+3p)

You steal your partner’s pornographic magazines for personal use. (+3p)

You throw out your partner’s porn magazines. (–1p)

You openly show disgust when people discuss anal sex. (+2p)

You’ve never had a one night stand. (+1p)

On Valentine’s Day you expect chocolate, roses and a fine dinner. When you get home you light candles and want to make romantic love all night. (+1p)

The nurse suit you rented at Halloween is still in your closet. (+2p)

Your night table looks like The Museum of Modern Dildo Design. (+3p)

You think a tongue piercing is an intimate piercing. (-1p)

Your middle name is Candy or your last name is pseudonym. (+3p)

Results

<13 points: You’re a lavender-scented massage oil!

You smell a bit like grandma and old clothes, but your sex life has romantic aspirations that suit your prudishness. Spice up your sex life with a few bottles of wine, oral sex and any position but the missionary!

13-26 points: You’re a massage wand!

A Jack Rabbit is what you want on your nightstand. You like to experiment and are waiting to discover new sexual horizons. Bring your masturbation to new levels by using several dildos at the same time, by trying autoasphyxiation and/or hog-tying your partner then beating them with a red, store-bought whip. Your partner will certainly enjoy your new toys and your new attitude! Get your wands now, and get your hunter to chase the rabbit over the grass down into the rabbit hole!

>27: You’re a whip and chains.

Blindfolds are nothing new to you and all the dildo models are old news. You’re open for anything and have tried the wildest stuff. What you need to complement your sex life are long floral dresses, thick-framed tortoise shell glasses and bimonthly, four minute copulation sessions in the missionary position. Skip the silly get-ups, games and roll playing. Lay off the porno flicks for a while. Instead download all seasons of The Price is Right and set up a few nights a week to watch them with your partner.

Breasts implants (DDD cup to M cup) signal to men that you’re lactating profusely. In the Stone Age women had to feed their babies from their actual, biological nipples, rather than through petroleum-based nipples as found on plastic bottles. This practice sounds absurd and barbaric, but our researchers have confirmed that it was a natural and historical practice among our forefathers. For this reason, ginormous breasts are one of the three keys to getting that hourglass figure.

Buy a girdle or corset or if you’re on a budget follow the advice of vitamin and weight lifting magazines: suck in your abdominal muscles at all times. Jackets a size too small, or wide jackets sharply pulled in with a broad belt, also accentuate the waist. Think of the 50’s and 60’s when actresses’ waists were as wide as a beanpole at 22” (56 cm), compared to today’s average of 34” (86 cm).

The tunics, denim jackets and black-and-white woolen overcoats we now wear, hide our natural curves and give us the extremely unattractive, rectangular form. Or even worse, in the case that you have a few extra pounds down there, the dreaded pear shape. Avoid these articles of clothing.

Get gluteal implants or pay your surgeon for other buttock augmentation. If you don’t have the money for this, use your car for trips further than three doors down, and begin exploring the cuisinal offerings of your local drive-thrus. If you do this, we guarantee that you’ll show up on Sir Mix-A-Lot’s radar.

Just remember that the hourglass figure demands a round butt rather than a wide one. Be sure to invest in a pair of push-ups panties if you find your rear is sagging or flat.

Extra tips
Contrary to common sense: eat breakfast regularly! When your blood sugar is low, your body releases stress hormones that control the fat to your stomach area and increase your desire for empty calories. As startling as this is, you should also eat healthy food at regular intervals. Scientists have proven that eating muffins, crackers and between-meal sandwiches on the go is bad. Instead eat nuts and drink green tea.

As ridiculous as it sounds, avoid working in high stress environments. Finding a sugar daddy, or refusing modern wage slavery, can solve this. High glycemic index and stress increase insulin and cortisol, which send fat directly to your tummy. No wonder back-to-basics hippies keep so thin so easy compared to metrosexuals!

Also sleep regularly. Less or more than six to eight hours of sleep a day increase your risk of heart disease. Less or more sleep than this also increases stress hormones, which makes sure that fat winds up turning into love handles that will make you look more Hottentot than hot-to-trot.

Figure The Ladies’ Monthly advice in your daily schedule and you’ll get that hourglass figure in no time.

Wine, olives, crackers and shrimp salad Surprising to many women lacking front teeth, men may offer you wine, olives, crackers and shrimp salad at a cocktail party. This does not mean you should combine all four. Such a pasty mash in your mouth will make it difficult to keep that flirtatious conversation going with the men, and ruin your chances for after-party foreplay.

Caviar and boiled egg sandwich dipped in coffee with milk Although a preferred breakfast among Nordic amazons, many would-be playmates wrecked their careers while smacking on this lurid, clammy mush.

Lychees Especially lychees with whipped cream and strawberry sauce as now served at many mid-priced restaurants. Lychees rolling around in your mouth with that bloody mix makes you as attractive as Coney Island wino who’s been bobbing for jellyfish in a red tide outbreak.

Squid‘s a real turn-off these days. 1 out of 5 men with income in the upper 10th percentile view squid porn for at least three hours each week according to a recent survey by North American Foundation for Reproductive Studies. What dentally challenged gold-diggers should know is that these men do not want to connect their sexual fantasies to predigested food halfway down your gullet.

Thai Cuisine Although Thailand’s hot for romantic budget getaways, avoid ordering the dried arachnids and insects hors d’œuvres. Nothing will turn a man off more than a hairy leg sticking out of your crunching gums.

2. Autoerotic asphyxiation As thinkers have known for centuries, sex and death are intimately connected. Rightly, many sexual acts can be lethal. Autoerotic asphyxiation, choking oneself to the brink of death in order to achieve a more powerful orgasm, is quite common. Around 1,000 people, mostly men in their late 20′s, die by autoerotic asphyxiation every year in the United States alone.

3. Potato play International human rights organizations, the UN and the media are on to those Catholic priests. As a result, the men of the cloak stopped studying those medieval torture woodcuts and Plato’s dialoges for sexual inspiration. Now in the early 21^st Century they’re into secret paraphilias most laymen will never dream of. Several middle-aged clergymen in Britain have begun combining autoerotic asphyxiation with potato play—entering potatoes into ones anus. Unfortunately those who survive such acts find this is a one time deal, as potato play, in 9 of 10 cases, leads to emergency room visits and prolonged surgery to remove the tubers from the large intestine.

4. Erectile disfunction and penis size It’s said that necessity is the mother of invention. With that in mind it’s not wonder viagra, sex toys and sex vacations have become cornerstones of modern society wherein men feel insecure about their penis size and the mean age of the population is increasing, which is clearly connected to loss of genital vigor.

5. The common doorknob Although used dozens of times a day by most of us, the doorknob is an overlooked sex aide that trendy people incorporate into their sexual games. Be sure however, to have a telephone and a bandsaw nearby. Trips to the emergency room with a doorknob lodged into the anus are fairly common at hospitals throughout the Western World. Unlike in your grandparents’ day, you can expect prepared medical professionals to receive you when you arrive.

6. The Dutch oven Eat a romantic Tex-Mex dinner by candle light with some red wine. 45 minutes later, while laying in bed, cover your heads with the sheets and fart away.

7. Kryptonite Again, sex and death. You don’t have to be Superman to be afraid of this one, which is preferred by men with pre-existing circulatory problems. Tell your spouse or partner to combine his autoerotic asphyxiation with unmeasured doses of cocaine and Viagra, and you’ll be in for a good death-tease risking both cardio-pulmonary and respiratory failure!

8. Feedbag The feedbag is not just a cunnilingus position, but a term used by couples into bondage. On days when the kids have extra-extracurricular activities but before their husbands come home, housewives commonly prepare the closet closest to the kitchen. They clean out the old hay and replace it with new hay. Then they raise the folding crossbars mounted on in the wall. In the far end there is a trough they refill with fresh food and water. When the man of the house comes home the wife derobes him, leads him to the stall with reigns around his neck, and straps him up with his mouth above the trough. The housewife returns throughout the evening at her leisure in order to clean droppings from the enclosure, to bring treats to her stallion, and to groom his body hair with wooden brushes.