Letting Go of Your Envy for Casey Anthony

by Ann Thrope

Women everywhere are shocked at the verdict: not guilty.  Casey did what so many of us have wanted to do…night after sleepless night… watching a crying infant… pondering over life gone lost. The laws against infanticide, however, have prevented us from carrying out our deepest fantasies, and as a result, imprisoned us in our matriarchal roles. So when one bitch makes it through, it hurts, it really does. It’s like seeing a balloon fly away, and though the string is within your reach, Uncle Sam is stopping you from drowning your two-year-old baby. Although it may hurt some women that Casey is going free, the Ladies’ Monthly is here again to help heal with these tips on letting go of your post-trial jealousy.

Laughing at her tears may also help you in overcoming your jealousy. Cry, bitch, cry!

1. Look Forward

In a few weeks, Casey will just be one more name on the list of women who lucked out. Sure, she’ll be living it up, enjoying her personal and legal freedom. What you can do is think about what will happen to her as the years pass, and the active life of alcoholism and gluttony moves on. Slowly, she will age and wither, her smooth face will wrinkle, her murderer’s hands will grow cracked and her bones will become brittle. And eventually, she will die. Then, it’s God’s turn. He will pull out her toenails, fork her tongue, pluck out her eyes, and then send her down to hell for the Devil to deal with her. That’ll show her!

2. Live and Learn

Now that Casey has succeeded in breaking the “glass ceiling” in a way Hilary Clinton never publicly could, women everywhere have the perfect template for their own journeys of growth, self-discovery, and child murder. Before you know it, you’ll have your weekdays off and a brand new book deal of your own. By letting go of your jealousy for Casey, you can learn from her. Real women don’t fuss over the personal affairs of others, real women do what it takes to get the job done.

3. Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

When you decide how to kill your own children, it might help you in your letting go process to throw a bone Casey’s way. Buy heart-shaped stickers for your duct tape, or bribe a meter reader with money or sex to hide the body and lie to police. By emulating Casey, you can have some insight into her position, empathize with her, and help yourself to move beyond your petty jealousy. Well, that and the fact that those brats won’t need picked up from school five days a week. In any case, imitating the Caylee Anthony murder will help you to look past your superficial differences with Casey and learn from your deepest similarities.