Beating your Bath Salt Addiction
by Ann Thrope
Bath salts are a lot of things to a lot of women. For some, they are a way to relax after a long day of work. For others, they’re a kick-start to a busy day. For still more, they are fuel for the pistons of their sexual engine. Regardless of how one uses bath salts, they are addictive. Not because of any physical dependency, but because once you’ve rocked on top of an androgynous raver’s strap-on dildo at 130 BPM while spun out of your mind on legal mephedrone… life without bath salts begins to seem just a little bit dull. But it is perfectly possible to kick your habit. With our help, one day, your children just might be able to keep their lunch money. The following is a 5-step program for kicking your addiction to truck-stop stimulants once and for all.
1. Admit that Nothing is Wrong with You
Some therapies for addiction require people to admit that they have a problem, and forever carry with them the scar of being an “addict.” We here at the Ladies’ Monthly know that’s a lot of bullshit, and it is simply no replacement for mindfulness and self control. So the first step in our program is to admit that absolutely nothing is the matter with you. All your problems are a fabrication of your overactive imagination and your dissatisfaction with life is the result of refusing to let go of your overambitious dreams. Just say it to yourself, “There is nothing wrong with me!” Scream it! Roar it when you wake up in the morning! Sing it when you’re in the shower! Whisper it to yourself before you go to sleep. And recite it each time you cut out another line in the bathroom after your husband starts snoring.
2. Increase your Dosage
Some ill-advised therapies for addiction require users to taper their dosages to slowly wean themselves off of drugs. The problem with this is that it does not get to the root of the problem. Tapering dosages tortures drug users by leaving them without any treatment for their desire to do drugs, but only slowly taking them away. That’s why our therapy advises ramping up your dosage. Take so many bath salts you throw up and black out, waking up to find yourself underground, in a black bodybag, with a throbbing heart and a sore asshole. See if you want to head down to the Safeway for some fun after that.
Once you’ve had your stomach pumped and come out of your post-binge coma, your recovery period is vital to long-term success. Surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear. Don’t allow anyone to spread negativity, you don’t need it right now. Try to displace your shame by blaming your parents, spouse, or children. This cast-like emotional cocoon will do wonders for your self esteem, and help to remove some of the reason for why you feel the need to almost kill yourself with cheap synthetic drugs.
Most treatment plans fail when patients relapse. That’s why our treatment plan includes one as part of the itinerary. But this relapse isn’t some pathetic dive bar rampage and small-time prostitution for cheap meth, no. This relapse will teach you a lesson. After your overdose you should have plenty of left over bath salts littering your house. Scrape them all up from your dresser, mattress, and bathroom floor. Don’t worry about getting a little Comet in there, it’s not bad stuff and it smells great. Take all these shavings, complete with whatever hair, dust particles, and cookie crumbs that were scraped up with them, and make yourself a line that would close down a soup kitchen. Snort as much as you can into both nostrils, then shove the remains into your mouth, ears, eyes, vagina, and anus. After your second drug induced coma, you should start to see the light. Just don’t go towards it yet, there’s still one step left.
5. False Enlightenment and Self-Righteousness
To finally kiss this habit goodbye, you’re going to need to chip off some of the old block, your sanity that is. Have a “transcendental moment,” “spiritual awakening,” “moment with God” or some other kind of amorphously meaningful, but pleasant, psychotic break. Use this experience as a stepping stone to thinking you have gained control over yourself. But merely telling yourself that you can do it is not enough, in order to believe your reason for change, your “moment of enlightenment,” you must sell the experience to others. The more people that believe your story, the more comfortable you will feel lying to yourself and others about it in the future. Once your transformation is complete, swear off all your old habits and look down on all those who still do them. It is not enough to simply change, you must treat those who act like your “former self” as worthless, pathetic, and totally without judgement. How else can you stop yourself from becoming one of them again?