The Lesbian’s Guide to Eating Out

by Ann Thrope

We here at the Ladies’ Monthly have a long standing, strong relationship with the LGBTQCHFLOLOMG community, and as a result of some recent complaints regarding our articles on parenting, we’ve decided to offer some special content just for them. Whether you are a feminine lesbian who enjoys long evenings over French wine and hors d’ouvres, or a burly old bull-dyke who just wants to have a beer and watch the game, this article is for you.

Where do you want to eat?

The age-old question. In relationships consisting of two women, this question can bounce back and fourth for days. Rather than asking the nearest man on the street where you should go, its easy to decide for yourselves. Choose a few restaurants you like, and break out the Ouija board, dim the lights, and get to it. You can try channeling your grandmother for advice, or your favorite celebrity, but just make sure you both remain focused or you might as well channel Chef Boyardee.

The Aftermath

If you’ve read our article “Eat Smart for Neutral Vaginal Scent” you realize the potential ramifications of your chosen meal. For lesbian couples, the effects are twice as noticeable. There are no hard and fast rules, but if you encourage your partner to go for liver and onions, don’t be surprised if you regret your decision later that night. In other words, don’t limit yourself on what you want for dinner, just be ready to have it again for dessert. If you’re really savvy, try eating complementary meals with your partner. That way when you catch a bit of your own Victorian Salad, it will be a welcome pairing to her Roast Duck, and vice versa.

Keeping a Tight… Budget

If you’re on a budget, eating out might not be the best idea. Try preparing a meal yourself. Go to your local grocer or farmer’s market and pick out some good deals on fresh produce. Try looking through cookbooks, searching online, or watching some Giada Di Laurentiis. If you go with Giada, however, make sure to leave a few minutes afterwards for a cooldown period, you won’t want to preheat the oven once she’s done preheating yours. Just don’t let the fantasies of Giada tossing your salad overshadow the upcoming meal.

Threesome!

Playing With Your Food

In most restaurants, food play is frowned upon, but in some bars lesbian play of any kind is allowed and even encouraged. Even if you’re too shy to smear chocolate syrup all over your partner to lick her clean in front of a crowd of cheering bystanders, you can spice things up at home with some creative food choices. There’s always the classic strawberries, whipped cream, and cucumbers, but if you’re really adventurous break out the exotics. Ever made her cum with a kumquat? Ever made her scream with ice-cream? Ever made her say “Yes Ma’am” to a leg of lamb? With some creativity, the world is your oyster, and with some dental floss, so are your anal beads!