Setting Your Gay Daughter Straight
by Ann Thrope
So you never had the time to socialize your daughter with boys and your husband took her on a few too many hunting trips. You saw her mature into a young woman, throw out all her pink clothes behind your back, dump her middle school boyfriends week after week, and try out for the girl’s basketball team. It may tear you up to think about it, but it isn’t too late to bring her back, or at least, stop her from going butch.
There are a number of effective strategies for setting your gay daughter straight that have been developed over the years. We here at the Ladies’ Monthly bring you the three most effective that we have encountered.
1. Moral Pressure
Remind your daughter of the moral atrocity she is committing, as well as the ramifications of her decisions to her God. Explain how gay sex cannot produce children, and how gay marriage still remains illegal. If she is not far gone, simply mentioning her family commitments may be enough to snap her out of it.
2. Doll Her Up
In middle stages it can be more work to influence your daughter’s lifestyle choices. Shower her with gifts like makeup and new girls’ clothes to replace her baggy blue jeans and hockey jerseys. Redecorate her room and transform it into an inviting boudoir for any potential male suitors, but keep it girly to deter any homosexual use. Buy her movies like Snow White, The Princess Bride, and Cinderella, along with music by artists like Dolly Parton, Neil Young, and Britney Spears. Avoid new artists like Lady Gaga or you may have a prissy glamor lesbian on your hands before you can say “Alejandro.”
3. The Bait and Switch
Our last, but most effective strategy. The Bait and Switch should be your last resort. However, it is a very powerful tool, and you are not likely to be disappointed. Wait until an important event, like Homecoming or Prom. Knowing your daughter, she won’t have a date, so it’s your job to set her up with a nice boy. Since at this late stage she will surely refuse, you’ll need to outwit her. Set her up with an attractive young lady. She’ll see your actions as a motion of respect and acceptance of who she is, and she will most surely agree. What she won’t know is that her elegant suitor is actually a transvestite. He will use his skills to seduce her as a woman, maybe even making her fall in love. After the dresses come off, she’ll be given the surprise of a lifetime, a night she will not soon forget.