5 Ways to Remove Unwanted Pregnancies at Home
by Ann Thrope
Do you have a baby on the way that you really aren’t ready for, but you’re too shy to visit the local clinic? Do you get nervous going to doctors and don’t want to talk to them about your very personal decision to terminate pregnancy? Are you too embarrassed to walk past all the protesters on your way to have your baby pulled out by the roots? This article is for you. Here are 5 ways to have an abortion in the comfort and safety of your own home.
Take the Stairs
There’s no faulting you for accidentally slipping down the stairs. Even if you end up sliding down each one on your belly like your child would have if you hadn’t, no one will believe that you did it on purpose. After the tragic accident, take a trip to the doctor and have everything made official. You want to avoid any potential prosecution later. If you stain your blouse or underwear when you pass the fetus, don’t fret or cry, just use vinegar and club soda, and if you have time, presoak overnight.
Have the would-be father help you out with this method. Lie on the ground flat on your back with your legs relaxed and your arms at your sides. Have your partner stand 10-15 feet away and wait for your signal. When you give him the go ahead, he will take off sprinting, springing into a leap which, if properly executed, will land him squarely on your stomach with all of his weight. If he stuck the landing, the developing child will leave you, resembling not much more than a bloody stool.
Another way to cure your pregnancy is to stress the baby into submission. Coax it out by smoking cigarettes, drinking, and eating nothing but ice. Worrying and anxiety can be enough, so if you’re having trouble inducing early stillbirth try imagining driving in traffic or crying children.
Bleach, Lysol, and rubbing alcohol can all be effective at terminating your pregnancy early when applied with a turkey baster or syringe. But if you’ve got a bun in the oven, nothing works better than oven cleaner. Effective household chemicals will stop the fetus from developing without transforming it into a glowing mutant with super strength and zombie-like endurance.
Let your baby know what awaits it on the outside. Tell it about what life is like, how it will have to go to school and find work. Explain family life, how people resolve conflicts and bond with those around them. Explain what being married is like, and how it feels to know that’s how you’ll live for the rest of your life. In no time the fetus will be strangling itself with its own umbilical cord. If that fails, switch out your baby Bach tape with top-40 radio until it gives itself an early c-section, having just enough strength to claw its way out and curse you under its last breath.