Keeping Your Man Away From your Teenage Daughter’s Friends
by Ann Thrope
As women, we are the protectors of children. Men simply cannot be trusted to provide the kind and gentle touch that a woman can provide. Although some men might disagree, we women know that it is instinctual for men to seek sexual contact with all women, regardless of age, race, disability, or sexual orientation. We have all got some serious work to do, but even the longest journey must start with the first step, so here are some hints on how to help your husband hide his habit of humping helpless little girls.
Create a “Safety Zone”
When your daughter’s friends come over to visit, whether for a meal or sleepover, cordon off an area “for the girls” and let your husband and all of your other visitors know that the area is strictly off limits to men. This will provide a shelter from sexual abuse that might occur if you allowed your husband to mingle with the girls.
Your husband’s drinking problem can hurt the situation, but with some skill you can use it to your advantage. Just $40 dollars for a few beers with the guys will keep him out for the whole night, so you won’t have to constantly worry about where he is inside the house, or how to redirect him next time you catch him trying to steal a peek when the girls are changing into their night clothes, or going to the bathroom. Just be sure to lock the door so that when he comes back he doesn’t try to take any liberties with the sleeping girls.
Buy your daughter and her friends the girliest, most obnoxious, noxious perfume you can find. Try to find something that Lisa Frank herself would prefer a gas chamber to. The overpowering stench of artifical fruit and flower aromas will keep your daughters pumping the perfume into the air, and keep your slathering husband at a safe distance upwind.
Last Resort: Harmless Appeasement
If you just cannot keep your husband away from those tight little bodies, you can still avoid unnecessary sexual harassment and rape allegations on the family name by practicing safe methods of satisfying your husband’s insatiable cravings. Try installing nanny cameras in the bathroom and bedrooms, and allow your husband to peruse the video at his leisure. Be sure to hide the cameras well, because if the girls find out you’ll need to take drastic measures to ensure that this method won’t come back to haunt you. If your worst fears become realized, try to convince the girls that everything is totally appropriate, and use your best matriarchal tone to encourage them to embrace the practice of appeasing your husband. The girls will grow up fast, and hopefully embrace teasing the cameras as a valuable exercise in raising their self-esteem and developing a positive self-image.