Why You Should Support the Redefinition of Rape
by Ann Thrope
The United States Government is finally putting our tax dollars to good use, by redefining rape. Republicans want a rougher, more grizzly definition that includes force, while those on the left want rape to remain the trump-card for regretful women that it is. We here at the Ladies Monthly, after much discussion, have decided to come down in favor of the Republican redefinition of rape. Our reasons are totally non-partisan, and we had to weigh the benefits of the redefinition with what we were giving up from what we already had. Ultimately, it came down to a few very crucial points, and this article is going to lay them down for you so that you know why, as a woman, you should also support the redefinition of rape.
1. Rape is Going to Get Better
Since rape will now be defined as sex by force, if someone wants to rape someone they are really going to have to put the effort into it. Unconscious sex in a hotel bathroom will just be unconscious sex in a hotel bathroom. The new Republican slogan is “If it ain’t rough, it ain’t rape.” What this will do for rape will make it much more competitive and standard-driven. The Republicans have implemented a kind of rapist Darwinism here, that, if left unchecked, could very well produce some very high-quality rapists. This is great news for women.
2. There’s a New Kind of Sex!
With the redefinition of rape comes a brand new kind of sex which is as yet unnamed and done both non-violently and without consent. Kids are calling this new kind sex “Promming,” “Dry Sex,” and “The New Argument.” For ladies with a sex life that is running out of new things to try, this is fantastic news. Finding a man to prom you has never been so easy.
3. More Children for Everyone to Love
With the Republican redefinition seeking to stop abortions from gentle rapes, there will be a bounty of children being born to mothers who in the past would have been able to leave their new arguments behind them. Now, with plenty of children being born as a result, everyone will have more children to love. The community can welcome and support these children and help them to live productive and fulfilling lives in a world where they can be loved for who they are.