Sex, Lies and Broken Vaginas

by Jenn Grimm

I’ve been hearing a lot about this new medical disorder that has been hitting the better half of the population in droves lately, Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. Now I know what some of you must be thinking, in the words of the great Chris Rock; “I got that!” and ladies, I hear ya. I think I may have been struck down with it too.

To make a long story short, FSAD, often referred to as ‘female sexual dysfunction’ is a condition where a woman cannot achieve or maintain arousal during sex with her man or lady friend. This could be everything from being painfully dry to not cumming during the final act – both of which can lead to bouts of stress and anxiety that a woman can take out on themselves or bludgeon others with (think PMS without the bleeding). There have been studies conducted on the issue and opinions are usually split – one for the use of drugs to solve the problem, the illusive money pile that will be ‘female Viagra’; and one for tackling the problem psychologically and socially – getting in touch with your sexy lady-self more or less. Now ladies, I don’t ask much of you on a regular basis, but this one time I ask that you stop reading this if your man, or any man for that matter is around; and shoo him out of the room.

This is private talk – FOR LADIES ONLY.

Now that that’s out of the way…

For those ladies who have just graduated from girl-dom to woman-hood I have to let you in on a little secret about this whole thing: It’s all a lie!
That’s right, all a complete fabrication. It’s actually a conspiracy created long ago and upheld by our fairer half of the sexes over time. Look at the doctors and pharmacology professionals involved in studying FSAD – all women. It makes it much easier to keep the facade going if no men ever dig deeply into the problem. With all the trouble they have finding all of a woman’s other spots, this is unlikely to get on their radar any time soon.

Ladies, your vagina is not broken, not at all. It’s actually an involuntary response, much like how just about any imaginable thing can cause your man to get an erection, you don’t get off while getting freaky with your man. We modern women and our shoe collections, owe a great deal of gratitude to the first women to train themselves not to get off, as we’ve been using it to lord over our men ever since. His tool not getting the job done in bed? Why he’s just gone and bought you a new diamond necklace. Too dry to go at it? Of course a new purse will make you feel better. You think Valentine’s Day is about love? Please…. Ladies it’s about you being a good enough actor that your man feels he’s not enough for you physically and has to make it up to you by buying you expensive and showy gifts.

I know around the office, a few of the other staff have learned to turn it on and off like a switch, from staring at the ceiling to looking like a geyser. It takes a lot of time and practice, but it can be worth it. It’s especially good to learn if your man’s manhood tends to be on the large side. Not getting you off will put that penis ego in check real quick. A good yawn right in the middle of things will do wonders.
I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t enjoy sex, fucking feels good (ed note – Here, for instance), but you’ve got to learn that to enjoy it without your partner knowing. It’s why a group of women always have that one older female friend they visit occasionally. They’re learning tips from a master.

So really ladies, it actually is you, not them. You’re not broken or in need of a little blue pill though, you’re just making them work harder for it. And a little hard work never hurt anyone, especially if you’ve got your eyes on a new pair of earrings.