Lose 25 Pounds in One Day!
by Ann Thrope
Ladies, you know how hard dieting can be. Everyone has some “fool-proof” solution that supposedly will cure all your weight loss woes, but nothing ever does the trick. Diet, exercise, or both, it never seems to work, and even if it does, it doesn’t last for long. But do not give up hope. As always, the Ladies’ Monthly has the scoop on a fool-proof method that will help you lose 25 pounds in only one day. So lets not waste any time, your fupa isn’t going anywhere fast. Read carefully, the diet itself is spread over the course of the day to maximize effectiveness and allow for adequate recovery.
Breakfast – 8:00 AM – 9:00 AM
First things first, you need to get your metabolism going to burn off that ice cream you had last night to mentally prepare yourself for today. Fiber is great for this purpose. Have a hearty breakfast of 3-4 celery stalks and a glass of sanded water. The indigestible material will keep your insides busy during the day and push old wastes that have taken up residence in the nooks and crannies of your lower intestine.If you need a little extra roughage, try biting and eating your nails. Its a natural source of fiber, and since it was on your body to begin with, its a weight gain-free food.
Rosie, 34, lost over 40 pounds on our diet in just one day! You go girl!
Brunch – 10:00 AM – 11:00 AM
Eating often during the day keeps your metabolism working, which burns calories and gives you something to keep your mind of the depression that got you to this point in the first place. You have two options here. Either top off the tank with a glass of fat free milk and 10-15 packets of artificial sweetener, or go for a more traditional brunch of fruits and small sandwiches, just don’t swallow. Keep a spitter handy and once you’ve chewed the flavor out you can evacuate the tasteless remains.
Lunch 12:00 PM – 1:00 PM
Lunch will be your last meal of the day. Eating later in the afternoon and evening leaves you packing baggage all the way to bed. For lunch, you can splurge. A half jar of baby food is fine, but if you eat a whole jar you may want to supplement your diet with some helpful, metabolism-boosting supplements. Try taking your child’s ADHD medication, or cocaine, or both. Combining stimulants provides a synergistic effect that, coupled with exercise, can help you burn calories, fat, and the living room furniture in an speed-fueled rampage. Afterward, you’ll have the vigor and enthusiasm to clean everything back up to its proper level and buy another couch, which will only further help you shed the pounds.
Linner 2:00 PM – 3:00 PM
After lunch you’ll need to keep your metabolism running strong after you start coming down. This is where you need to include a time-honored method of healing, proven through the centuries to be effective for a number of different ailments: bloodletting. Not only will bloodletting decrease your weight by exactly the weight of the blood, but also your body will expend energy and resources restoring your supply of blood. For this diet, you can bleed out as much as you need to. Depending on how much cocaine you took you’ll want to allow eight to ten pints to seep from your veins. Don’t worry about feeling lightheaded, you’ll thank yourself when you see the scale tomorrow morning.
Dinner 5:00 PM – 6:00 PM
For dinner you’ll be losing weight by cleaning your body along a similar vein, the mud vein. Enjoy a good, hearty colonic. Depending on your diet, a full colonic can release a veritable boa constrictor of stored wastes, making you 10, 15, even 20 pounds lighter. If you did your morning fiber intake correctly you should be very satisfied with your results. Don’t be surprised if you see years worth of chewing gum exiting your bowels.
Midnight Snack 12:00 AM
Congratulations! You did it! You made it through one of the most rigorous and effective diets known to man. Now its time to reward yourself for a job well done. Go all out. Make yourself a nice triple-decker peanut butter and ice cream sandwich between three chocolate chip Belgian waffles. Or if you don’t feel like dessert, make yourself a tasty roast, or some delicious barbecue. Red meat will help you restore your fecal reserves that you purged from your lower intestine for dinner, helping you feel much less empty inside. Once you are all through rewarding yourself, hit the sack, you’ve had a long, but productive, day. If you wake up tomorrow morning you’ll definitely be pleased with the results.
What ridiculous crap is this? Another pseudo scientist making claims based on nothing at all? Nothing surprising at all.
First of all there is no definitive evidence to say that eating breakfast will raise you’re metabolism. Eating throughout the day does not raise your metabolism, this is not a fairy world where your cells will suddenly create more energy when you eat, energy is created when the need for it is detected. Metabolism is regulated by a negative response cycle, not a positive response cycle, you silly cunt. This is as far as I got in this shit.
False. While the stomach is busy churning away your body is working. While the stomach is empty it is at rest. This is just common sense. Just like how your skeletal system burns up calories replacing all that lost blood. You did know your bone marrow produces blood, right? Why do you think they call them boners?
Digestion is continuous
Actually let me rephrase that since you clearly don’t understand digestion. The enzymes that are used in digestion are made continuously regardless of what you do. The, ‘churning’ done by the digestive system uses so little energy it is not even worth mentioning since it has close to no effect on your metabolic rate. Not all blood is made in the bone marrow, you were misinformed in high school biology class, honey.
If you were a good journalist you wold have asked experts on this. Now stop grasping at straws and know your place.
Excuse me? Know my place? What kind of sexist insult is that?
You obviously think you know so much about digestion, but from what I can tell you’re not really up on your common sense. If you don’t have anything in your stomach, you are not digesting anything. Sure, you might be making acids and whatnot, but digestion is not making acid, digestion is the breaking down of eaten food. That breaking down is not continuous, unless you have a steady supply of eaten food to your stomach. Duh.
Acids are neutralize in the stomach with food and without food, so they constantly have to be produced when the minimum acidity is reached. Making acids is part of the digestion process, digestion is not some closed off system that no other system influences. This is not about common sense, its about facts.
Know your place means you have very little knowledge or understanding on the subject, and we all know you should not try to write about something you know nothing about. Now thats common sense.
Are you so closed minded that you are unwilling to change your opinion which was based on nothing factual in the first place?
I think the better question is, are you? Your argument is all semantics. What I meant by digestion originally was different from what you are trying to say digestion is. What you should also know, nerd boy, is that digestion does not only take place in the stomach. Everything from the very act of eating to when you pop a squat burns energy, and everything in between. Now, you may bullshit continuously, but that does not make your argument that digestion is continuous stomach action correct.
Your point is false. Eating uses more energy than not eating, you stomach-centric douche.
Digestion doesn’t only use the stomach? I would have never thought, you must be pretty good at using wikipedia.
Digestion does not only include the areas of the body where food that was eaten travels, and other processes to keep the digestive track ready for digestion are working continuously. Saying eating raises your metabolism is a baseless claim since it only raises the metabolic rate of cells in the digestive track.
The fact is your article is incorrect, do not try to dodge this.
Your point that digestion itself does not burn calories differently with or without food is well-taken, but irrelevant.
The fact of the matter is that when it comes to using energy, keeping things going through the inside of your body, uses more energy than not. It is common sense. Chewing, swallowing, even sucking down a tall drink of water, all use more energy than not doing so. Metabolism is more than digestion. Metabolism is the sum of all energy use in an organism. Are you going to tell me with a straight face that you could use less energy doing nothing than you would eating and passing indigestible and calorie-free foods?
Like I said, it raises the metabolic rate of cells in the digestive system, not your metabolism. They are two different things, a risen metabolism is when two or more distinctively different systems have the metabolic rate of the cells that make them up risen. You are forgiven, they are often mixed up.
Feel free to change the article to, ‘eating regularly will raise the metabolic rate of the cells that construct the digestive system.’
You aren’t reading.
Is the energy used to lift your hand to your mouth part of the “metabolic rate of the digestive system”?
No.
What about chewing?
No.
What about pushing out a meal of celery and sand that weighs more than a premature child?
No.
But they are all things you can do to raise your metabolism, and not just along your digestive tract. If, by metabolism, we mean: “The chemical processes occurring within a living cell or organism that are necessary for the maintenance of life.”
Don’t fuck with me.
The rise in the metabolic rate is too little and goes for too short a time for it to be considered a rise in over all metabolism.
“by metabolism, we mean: “The chemical processes occurring within a living cell or organism that are necessary for the maintenance of life.”” That is not risen by eating, no additional chemical reactions take place in cells in areas other than the digestive system. Dictionaries aren’t always technically correct.
I’m not fucking with you, honey, its just they truth. You can’t always be right, and no amount of internet can help you with that.
And taking the shit is part of digestion.
“The rise in the metabolic rate is too little and goes for too short a time for it to be considered a rise in over all metabolism.”
Who says? You? As we ladies well know, a rise is a rise. Maybe you go too little and for too short a time, tiger.
“And taking the shit is part of digestion.”
What about the work the abdominal muscles do? The diaphragm? Your fingers? I think you are neglecting to realize that every system in the body is intimately connected. It is impossible to use any part of your body without using every other part of it in some way.
“Who says?”
The entire scientific community.
What about the work the abdominal muscles do? The diaphragm? Your fingers? I think you are neglecting to realize that every system in the body is intimately connected. It is impossible to use any part of your body without using every other part of it in some way.
I already said that the digestive system isn’t closed off from other systems, the excretory system and a whole lot more are involved as well. I’m not denying that.
Now back to my point, eating does not raise your metabolism.
“The entire scientific community.”
False.
“Now back to my point, eating does not raise your metabolism.”
Now back to my point, eating does raise your metabolism.
What the fuck is this garbage? What idiot would listen to this? You’re feeding people nonsense, and you know it.
Not so. These methods are designed for ladies on-the-go who don’t have time to become experts in biology to shed a few pounds. All it takes is a little willpower, ingenuity, and a bucket or two.
IT TOTALLY WORKED! I lost 24 pounds, only one shy, but i’m amazed, (if not a tetch dizzy, but thats just euphoria!) though having the sanded water is still a bit unsettling, every time I fart, my jeans get sandblasted smooth.
Great! Glad to know you had success. If you’re having trouble with bothersome flatulence, you may want to check out our upcoming article on Brownpons, a new product for ladies with leakage from the other orifice.
Thanks! It works amazing, now bitches go satisfy your husband, well you probably dont have one which is why your reading this to lose weight you fat whales! EVERYONE SHOULD TRY THIS!
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
Wow. Simply wow.
Ann Thrope.
It sounds like a pun on anthropology or anthropomorphic.
I’ve read two of your articles, and I must say I’ve had enough of this website.
The turning your lesbian daughter straight article is absolutely atrocious, but I won’t even get into that.
This article… it’s disgusting.
I’ve been through EDNOS, and this can be triggering to people like me. Eating disorders are not a joke. Words cannot even describe the ache I feel right now. I feel… sorry for you. To have to write such filth as this. If you only knew what you are doing to people with this garbage.
Reading this article…. if my mother wasn’t in the other room, I’d be crying.
Those of us with, or recovering from, eating disorders… we would and HAVE done things like drinking sanded water, or taking ADHD medication because a side effect of it is NO APPETITE.
Artificial sweeteners contain aspartame, which mimics, worsens the symptoms, and even causes the following:
epileptic seizures
headaches, migraines and (some severe)
dizziness, unsteadiness, both
confusion, memory loss, both
severe drowsiness and sleepiness
paresthesia or numbness of the limbs
severe slurring of speech
severe hyperactivity and restless legs
atypical facial pain
severe tremors
severe depression
irritability
aggression
anxiety
personality changes
insomnia
phobias
palpitations, tachycardia
and so much more… the list reaches nearly 100.
And we risk it all just to be thin. And eventually, just to achieve control in our chaotic lives.
We’ve spit out our food, we’ve hidden our starvation from those who love and care for us.
We consider even half a jar of baby food far too much intake, and we purge.
We cut. We abuse laxatives. We abuse other drugs. We abuse our bodies, our minds, our selves.
Eating disorders are not a joke.
I don’t care if this website is for shits and grins.
This is a disgusting article, and you are a disgusting, sorry excuse for a human being.
I hope you understand the error of your ways, and I hope you start writing blogs that promote love rather than those that fuel self-hatred.
Excuse me, but my name is not a pun about anthropology, and this isn’t for shits and grins. This is a very serious article about to shed pounds. I’m sorry you have had trouble with it in the past, but when it comes down to it you shouldn’t be so offended. If you think this stuff is so bad, then you wouldn’t do it. But instead, you seem to be holding back. You accuse me of trying to trigger you. I’m not even going to bother getting into that, just don’t blame me too much for how you feel, especially since you have obviously interpreted large portions of this article incompletely and incorrectly.
This is amazing.
That has got to be the most half-assed response I’ve ever come across.
How exactly do you figure I’ve misinterpreted? Perhaps, as a journalist, if you presented your information in a less self-hatred-inducing manner, I’d understand more clearly?
In all seriousness, would you follow any of the “tips” you suggest in this article?
In hindsight, I theorize you could possibly be attempting to portray the “ridiculousness” of an eating disorder, or ED-behavior, but I have to say eating disorders are not ridiculous. They are a disease. Honestly, would you write an article all about “LOL CANCER” ? If you’re not the sorry excuse of a human being I believe you to be, the answer to that would be no, but coming from you, I’m not so sure…
“If you think this stuff is so bad, then you wouldn’t do it.”
Let me explain something about eating disorders. We know the behavior is wrong. We know that our actions could severely damage or even kill us. We do it anyway.
Or let me make a more “common” example: people smoke. They know it’s wrong. They know they can get cancer and will die sooner than if they hadn’t smoked. They smoke anyway.
I never said that you’re TRYING to trigger anyone. I said that this article is/can be TRIGGERING, and it’s foolish that you’re toying around with this, because it easily translates to eating disordered behavior.
And obviously, it’s not safe to lose 25 pounds in a day, let alone a month.
Regardless, please, inform me of how I misinterpreted your article, and I may actually take you seriously because right now, I find you as a pitiful human being and a terrible journalist.
Well, first of you call be a bad journalist, which means that you have definitely misinterpreted what I’ve wrote. Try reading some of my other articles, it might do you some good.
Secondly, if one still starves oneself, one cares about something that does not matter. One can cry to high-heaven that one knows “it is wrong” but when it comes down to it one just trying to convince onesself. Why one does it is the question one needs to ask onesself, and the desire one needs to examine, if one expects to stop the source of their cravings.
People who smoke don’t “know its wrong.” Smoking is not wrong, necessarily. It is what it is. Just like trying to lose weight by bleeding. Its not wrong, it is what it is.
Mmm…All this eating disorder talk has me hankerin’ for a glass of sanded water and a big, heaping colonic.
This was hilarious! Sanded water is a funny idea. Reminds me of carpentry. Why are these people being so serious, though? It’s ridiculous. It’s as if they think someone would actually be stupid enough follow this diet. People need to relax and learn how to have a laugh.
I’ve finally been released from the hospital. I had lost around 5 lbs from the bloodletting alone before I passed out (was standing on a scale). The assholes at the hospital put it all back! I was irate. Anywho, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!
Haha… awesome. Thanks for the fun read
I used to be more than happy to seek out this net-site.I needed to thanks to your time for this wonderful read!! I definitely having fun with every little little bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to check out new stuff you blog post.
Thank you “cleansing diet” we will happily allow you to peddle your wares here.
…OH MY LORD. LOL. LOL. I love this. Fuckin’ LOL.
wow. well, while i didn’t find it lmao funny, i understood the point and the lightness and smile it’s supposed to add to someone’s day. It’s the comments that get me. First an entirely pointlesss argument, then a bashing. I would feel sad if this offended anyone, but really, in the big scheme of things, shouldn’t it just be let go???? If you don’t find it funny, move on and find something you can smile about. If you did, great boost to your day. Either way, you shouldn’t bash ppl for thier sense of humor. If you don’t like it, move on with you life and find something worth your time. Otherwise, enjoy a tid bit that made you smile and laugh.
wow. What a load of crap. While the fact of green tea and celery is true, as is eating breakfast, loosing 25 pounds in one day is not only absurd but entirely unhealthy. Dangerous even. A person should only attempt to loose between 5 and ten pounds a week, ten at the most. Ms. Thrope, are you that desperate for male attention that you would forgo health just to look like a good piece of ass to some sexist, sex craved man? I read your article about the hour glass figure, butt implants and breast implants? Are you aware that any breast surgery means that you forgo the ability to breast feed? While it may looks attractive now, what about years down the road when the breast tissue sags, no man will want anything to do with that. I really do hope that this was intended to cause a laugh, because if it was intended as a serious ‘get slim quick’ article, than that is disturbing. I have a friend who makes herself vomit to stay thin. She is 5 foot seven and weighs 90 pounds. She finds that too ‘fat’. I know if she happened across this article she would follow it to the letter. What gets posted on the internet has some serious repercutions. I leave you with a final thought, ask yourself how many people did this everyday until they died from starvation. Ask yourself how many anorexic women followed this, lost their hair, and fell into a coma due to this. Please be more careful about what is posted online. I know I myself have posted articles that have caused many people to hate me.
Blessed be, and enjoy your day.
People of the world!
Take your tongue, put it in your cheek.
Re-read
And you’re done.
Ann Thrope, I tip my hat to you.
I’ve got an alternative way of losing 25 pounds. It’s purely hypothetical but it should work. First you have to make a cut in an area with a lot of fat. Apply heat and the fat liquidises and pour out of aforementioned cut.
“Ann Thrope.
It sounds like a pun on anthropology or anthropomorphic”
This is the second article I’ve read on this glorious website, and once again in the comments someone has come *this* close to figuring out that the authors name is a pun… and yet thinks this is real…
Normally I don’t learn post on blogs, but I would like to say that this write-up very pressured me to take a look at and do it! Your writing style has been amazed me. Thanks, quite nice article.
Jesus, “ann” . I am a 17 year old girl, 175cm and 112 llbs. It is people my age that can be highly impressionable . Writing this supposedly ‘factual’ shit is one thing, but informing readers (of any age) that a way to lose 25lbs in one day requires means such as taking illicit drugs and blood letting is extremely irresponsible. Be more careful about who may be reading this and whose lives you may be making just that little bit worse.