Lose 25 Pounds in One Day!
by Ann Thrope
Ladies, you know how hard dieting can be. Everyone has some “fool-proof” solution that supposedly will cure all your weight loss woes, but nothing ever does the trick. Diet, exercise, or both, it never seems to work, and even if it does, it doesn’t last for long. But do not give up hope. As always, the Ladies’ Monthly has the scoop on a fool-proof method that will help you lose 25 pounds in only one day. So lets not waste any time, your fupa isn’t going anywhere fast. Read carefully, the diet itself is spread over the course of the day to maximize effectiveness and allow for adequate recovery.
Breakfast – 8:00 AM – 9:00 AM
First things first, you need to get your metabolism going to burn off that ice cream you had last night to mentally prepare yourself for today. Fiber is great for this purpose. Have a hearty breakfast of 3-4 celery stalks and a glass of sanded water. The indigestible material will keep your insides busy during the day and push old wastes that have taken up residence in the nooks and crannies of your lower intestine.If you need a little extra roughage, try biting and eating your nails. Its a natural source of fiber, and since it was on your body to begin with, its a weight gain-free food.
Brunch – 10:00 AM – 11:00 AM
Eating often during the day keeps your metabolism working, which burns calories and gives you something to keep your mind of the depression that got you to this point in the first place. You have two options here. Either top off the tank with a glass of fat free milk and 10-15 packets of artificial sweetener, or go for a more traditional brunch of fruits and small sandwiches, just don’t swallow. Keep a spitter handy and once you’ve chewed the flavor out you can evacuate the tasteless remains.
Lunch 12:00 PM – 1:00 PM
Lunch will be your last meal of the day. Eating later in the afternoon and evening leaves you packing baggage all the way to bed. For lunch, you can splurge. A half jar of baby food is fine, but if you eat a whole jar you may want to supplement your diet with some helpful, metabolism-boosting supplements. Try taking your child’s ADHD medication, or cocaine, or both. Combining stimulants provides a synergistic effect that, coupled with exercise, can help you burn calories, fat, and the living room furniture in an speed-fueled rampage. Afterward, you’ll have the vigor and enthusiasm to clean everything back up to its proper level and buy another couch, which will only further help you shed the pounds.
Linner 2:00 PM – 3:00 PM
After lunch you’ll need to keep your metabolism running strong after you start coming down. This is where you need to include a time-honored method of healing, proven through the centuries to be effective for a number of different ailments: bloodletting. Not only will bloodletting decrease your weight by exactly the weight of the blood, but also your body will expend energy and resources restoring your supply of blood. For this diet, you can bleed out as much as you need to. Depending on how much cocaine you took you’ll want to allow eight to ten pints to seep from your veins. Don’t worry about feeling lightheaded, you’ll thank yourself when you see the scale tomorrow morning.
Dinner 5:00 PM – 6:00 PM
For dinner you’ll be losing weight by cleaning your body along a similar vein, the mud vein. Enjoy a good, hearty colonic. Depending on your diet, a full colonic can release a veritable boa constrictor of stored wastes, making you 10, 15, even 20 pounds lighter. If you did your morning fiber intake correctly you should be very satisfied with your results. Don’t be surprised if you see years worth of chewing gum exiting your bowels.
Midnight Snack 12:00 AM
Congratulations! You did it! You made it through one of the most rigorous and effective diets known to man. Now its time to reward yourself for a job well done. Go all out. Make yourself a nice triple-decker peanut butter and ice cream sandwich between three chocolate chip Belgian waffles. Or if you don’t feel like dessert, make yourself a tasty roast, or some delicious barbecue. Red meat will help you restore your fecal reserves that you purged from your lower intestine for dinner, helping you feel much less empty inside. Once you are all through rewarding yourself, hit the sack, you’ve had a long, but productive, day. If you wake up tomorrow morning you’ll definitely be pleased with the results.