Zoophilia: Not as Embarrassing as You Think

by Ariel Bansuvimo

Although it’s not encouraged in any known society, bestiality is both legal and practiced almost everywhere on Earth. Ladies’ Monthly has dug right into the matter to help our zoosexual readers increase their personal comfort zone.

The Hard Facts

Our ancestors primarily had agricultural lifestyles. As such they lived close to animals and often far away from potential sexual partners. This way of life gave constant opportunity for close encounters with the creatures they tended to.

Ladies’ Monthly Research Lab has found that even today as we live in big cities, 53,8% of the American population regularly engages in naughty play with beasts big and small.

The statistics also show that a majority of the remainder of the population regularly dreams of animals in sexual situations.

For those who live West of the Appalachians the number of zoophiles skyrockets to 87,2% for those over 23 years of age.

Our researchers have also found a political correlation. Zoophilia among Republican voters runs a whopping 99,87%.

If these numbers don’t blow your mind our research team is sure these candid statistics will:

It is estimated that every 43 minutes someone takes a ride to tuna town.

Ladies' Men: Courting sheep on cliffsides is a well-known trick to ensuring an eager mount.

Every 32 minutes a man parks a porpoise.

Every 12 minutes a monkey eats a banana.

Every 6 minutes a woman tames a snake.

Every 3 minutes a worm burps.

Every 52 seconds a flounder is pounded in Rochester alone.

4 out of 10 New Englanders in the 21^st Century still find time, at least once a month on average, to yodel into the clam.

Primatologists estimate that every 27 seconds a woman barks an endangered ape.

Every 7 seconds someones chokes a goat.

Most people out there think choke the goat is originally a euphemism for male masturbation. However the American Heritage Dictionary reveals that it originally referred to erotic asphyxiation of a goat during intercourse with said goat.

In other words, despite what you think about yourself for your beastly deeds and desires, you are not alone.

Protect Yourself

Remember though to use protection. As long as you take precautionary measures there is no reason to fear disease or be embarrassed about spreading aggressive bacterial infections of animal origin to your casual human sex partners.

However allergies are still a problem and many women find that even a double dose of anti-histamines before zoosex can’t suppress the symptoms of fur-reactions.

At Ladies’ Monthly we feel it’s incredibly important to warn zoophiles about the risks of bodily injury from bulky, crook-shaped and bone-hard animals penes. A hard thrusting horse can easily cause internal organ damage if you’re not warmed up. Even the eager billy goat, despite his small penis, when carried away by his satyrical pumping, has been reported to have caused internal bruising to women.

Women should also be careful around equestrian species like zebras—not only due to their size, but also because their stripes, when quickly thrust across the field of vision, have been known to cause vertigo and epileptic seizures.

Elephants have unfortunately been known to trample women to death—something which cave paintings in Southern France also show about wooly mammoths.

Finally, bites and anaphylactic shock may occur due to exposure to animal semen. Another reason to use condoms and dental guards.

Those Embarrassing Moments

Nearly everyone’s had some drippy valves at some point. It seems like a nasty thing, but don’t worry! Chlamydia’s just a reminder that you have a zoophile in your network of sexual partners.

FACT. Sheep’s skin naturally harbors chlamydia. LM Research Lab has with genetic testing traced the first cases of chlamydia to herding Jews on the Arabian Peninsula circa 7,500 years ago.

Don’t be so sensitive when people point out the hair on your suit! They mean nothing when they ask if you have a pet. Nervously brushing the horse hair off your clothes only makes it more conspicuous—everyone just assumes it’s a dog or cat anyhow.

If you have fleas, just blame it on your neighbor’s cat that hangs out outside your door. Remember even with this you’re being paranoid. No one knows! The confidentiality of your sexual habits can remain in tact as long as you think ahead.

I myself used to have a penchant for necrophiliac bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse. That was about the same time I decided to come out of the closet. I found that it wasn’t as embarrassing as you might think. In fact, I had no choice, because my boyfriend walked in on me in the stable one day… It was very embarrassing, but after a long, honest talk I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of. Many of the greatest figureheads in history were zoophiles.

Zoophiles, remember, you are in the company of Greek gods!

Hot Positions

In all the magazines you can read about sex positions for your overweight partners and your parents of ambiguous sexual characteristics. Why do they discriminate against zoophiles?

Who knows, but do keep an eye on Ladies’ Monthly for a feature of hot Kama Sutra tips on how to mount animals of your choice.