Managing Your Seasonal Affective Disorder
by Jane Sane
Winter can be a difficult time of year for some of us. Whether you’re lonely, overworked, stressed-out, exhausted, messed up, or pooped, you might need a little help overcoming your winter blahs. As always, Jane is here to fill you in on the best ways of taking your mind off your soul-crushing depression. Just kidding, souls don’t exist, just like Santa Claus. So to help you cheer up and stave off your cravings for suicide, here are some helpful tips to assist in turning your S.A.D.S. into G.L.A.D.S. …or at least M.A.D.S.
Fight with your Spouse
There is no better time of year to get stressed and kill a few hours arguing with your husband. Take out all your frustrations on him. Get belligerent. Blame him for your son being gay, your mother not speaking to you, or the sores you’ve developed on your lips. Don’t cease until someone is crying, and when that happens, wrap it up with some fantastic make up sex. If argument isn’t really doing it for you, and quiet resentment is more your thing, make some nice passive-aggressive notes and leave them around the house. A nice shout can cut the soft-headed cheerfulness of the winter season, but notes have a concreteness that even the most cutting screams cannot match. Nothing says you care like a handwritten message on the mirror reminding your lover of important information like “Don’t dress like a retard.” or “Stop flirting with my sister.”
Eat Until the Pain is Gone
Winter can be a fantastic time to eat your cares away. It is perfectly acceptable to binge on holiday foods, like ham, turkey, cheese-covered vegetables, and mouth-watering cookies. No one will question your repeated trips to the buffet, or your unparalleled dedication to the dessert tray. Whenever something bothers you, just take another bite. If you mother is guilting you for never making anything of yourself, stuff down enough baklava to make an elephant diabetic. If you’re alone, alternate between binging on your own personal roast over a gallon of cheap wine. If anyone in your family announces their homosexuality over the dinner table, don’t let the mashed potatoes get cold.
We might sometimes try to accommodate people from different cultures during the holiday season. Whether its adding a menorah to the nativity scene, or dressing up baby Jesus in African garb, some of us take care to acknowledge other beliefs. But its all just bullshit. If it weren’t done together in large groups, it would be considered schizophrenic. Imagine if there were no Christmas, and one day you saw your neighbors entirely dressed in green and red, dragging a tree into their house and putting lights all over it. Not only that, but they put suspicious boxes under it, wrapped to conceal their identity, and lie to their children about the source. I would probably think they were tripping…
So I suggest taking a time out from all this nonsense, and being honest about the season. Instead of worrying about whether to say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” let’s just say “Fuck Winter.” It feels so much more cathartic than parroting a superstitious lie, and its always good for a laugh with grandma.