Making 35 Look Like 16

by Ariel Bansuvimo

So you’re not in college anymore, your weight fluctuates, and you’re not sure how to get men to look at you without beer goggles.

This successful cougar is confident in the tone of her arm-flab, look at that reach, in plain sight!

We’ve got some great advice that will help you conceal your beauty flaws while you search for Mr. Right.

First, if you haven’t had kids or been through your second divorce, you’ve got a head start. Studies show that divorce makes you look older. The frustration of divorce increases stress levels. This causes your body to release cortisol, which leads to premature wrinkles. Divorce also brings out that thin-lipped, post-marriage sneer that bachelors find so unattractive.

Most likely you have noticed crow’s feet branching out around your eyes. To hide these you want to apply thick shadow around around your eyelids. Think raccoon. This will cover up wrinkles and give you the basics of that high-contrast style that signals “young seductress.”

Avoid fluorescent and low-energy light sources. Such lighting discloses any wrinkles that make-up doesn’t cover up.

For a decade you’ve been thinking “don’t overdo it with make-up.” But now’s the time to overdo it. Do you think all those porn stars get laid every day because they moderately apply cosmetics to their acne-scarred skin?

Large busts are in high demand, so you might think that it’s important to show cleavage, especially if you have plenty of it. The truth is that your boobs will reveal your unsavory maturity more than anything else. What you need to do is make your breasts as small as possible. Dress so that your breasts look no larger than a kiwi each. This will give you that vernal charm single guys find so hot.

Also, working on the right material to bring out a camel toe should not be an underestimated part of your new beauty arsenal. Wearing tight pants helps you achieve this effect. Elastic materials and spandex leggings almost always do the trick. You can exaggerate your camel toe by sporting a tonsured vagina, which readily pulls in fabric and reveals vaginal cleavage.

Do you have any lesbian friends? Bring them along to your hook-up place and make out with them. Be sure to giggle and squeal while doing it. This attracts alpha males who are always turned on by insecure and stereotypical female behavior. Be sure to show off your tongue ring when Mr. Right approaches to buy you a drink.

Don’t forget about your personality. Learn to see things positively. Everything your potential mate says should make you smile—and be sure to smile with your mouth slightly open. When not smiling be sure to pucker your lips just like a curious manga character. Use glossy lipstick and practice on lolly pops to improve this technique.

Talk like a teenager. If someone says something over a 9th grade mental level just roll your eyes and look like you’re angry at the person who’s talking. If someone asks you a question and expects a serious answer, do not give them an answer based on your experience. Instead, ramble on with groping, vague sentences and tug at your miniskirt in order to divert attention from your inanity.

If hygiene isn’t the easiest thing for you, don’t worry. You don’t have to be clean. You only have to LOOK clean.

Clothes depend on your style. If you think you can wear a sequin tube top then go for it. A black mesh lace thong with hot pink stripes might be for you. Just make sure that your thong can be seen sticking out of your pants or skirt. When you bend over to pick something that you tactically drop on the floor, be sure to reveal your new Hello Kitty tramp stamp.

If you’re more of a kind-hearted, intelligent type, then purple and pink garments should work. If you’re a long-legged lady, big shoes and daisy dukes will accentuate your legs, giving the impression that you’re still growing. A small vest will bring out your curves but also make your leg-length seem even longer. This also helps you give men the impression that you’re still going through puberty.

If you’re more into the darker side of things then go for a peach colored corset with black fishnet stockings with garter belts. Dual, jet-black pony tails go well with this style. Be sure to finish the effect with a black latex belt and a neon-colored gun holster. When standing, always keep your knees together and look vacuously peeved. This will certainly get you phone numbers.

Once you’ve had a few drinks you can really get men excited by babbling about some conflict with your parents regarding your eating habits. The next step is to mention that your step-father was too intimate with you during summer vacations. This ensures even the most insecure male pick-ups that they are still in the game.

If they still haven’t offered to take you out to their van by then, be sure to tell them about how exciting it was last time you were in Japan and unfamiliar men on the subway put their fingers into your mouth.