Getting the Gay Son You Always Wanted
by Ann Thrope
Lets face it, ladies, having a son is basically a waste of time and energy for a mother. Sure, some mothers might love their sons, don’t get me wrong, but myself and countless other moms would rather just have the abortion. There’s not going to be any enjoyment in it. No fun shopping trips, no sharing of clothes, and no mother-daughter chats in the van. But there is a way to mitigate the malaise of having a male, and that’s getting him interested in boys. Gay sons offer all the same benefits as straight daughters. You can talk with them about men, gossip with them about women, and never have to worry about them bringing home some cunt who shows you no respect. There are innumerable ways to nudge you son towards a homosexual lifestyle, and here we have assembled the most effective.
1. The Dry Teat
A simple way to have your son become sexually interested in men is to cut off all emotional contact with him at birth. Do not show your son warmth or affection, these actions will imprint on him a sense of physical comfort with women. Instead, have your husband show him the affection, but you best to let him do so without saying so. Encourage him to be an active father, take your son to all of his sports and clubs, shower with him, and kiss him goodnight on the lips. After some time, your son should feel an extreme physical physical alienation with women, and an extreme physical attraction to men. Stoke the flames to whatever level of femininity you desire by chatting with him about womanly things. You could even have him read this magazine!
2. The Bait and Switch
The great thing about this tactic is that, as our committed readers know, it works wonders on lesbian daughters. For the uninitiated, the method boils down to this: hiring a man, dressed as a woman, to seduce your son and attempt sexual contact by fording the perceptual barriers to sexual attraction through clever disguise. A Vietnamese lady boy or two should do the trick, and most will agree to package deals if your daughter started watching anime and you need to intervene. You could try being sneaky and setting your son up on a “blind date” with your newly hired man servant, but you need not be so cunning. It is every young boy’s fantasy to have their parents hire them a high-class-hooker to take their virginity, so you could probably just be up-front about the arrangement, but leave some of it a suprise. He will never see “it” coming. After the panties slide down those freshly-shaven legs, he’ll be given the surprise of a lifetime, a night he will not soon forget.
3. Shop Smart
What you buy your son can make or break your plans for his impending homosexuality. The right video game and he might never consider being sexually interested in women, let alone men. The only homosexuality he will ever have would be viewing gay pornography and screwing around with his loser gamer friends after you go to sleep. Get him interested in something that will drive him towards plentiful friendships with women, like reading fiction, writing poetry, dance, and performing arts. If you have the money, figure skating is a near certain bet, but it takes morning upon bleary-eyed morning of commitment before you see results. Buy the right clothing as well. Never settle for blue jeans, unless they are Calvin Klein and worn with an untucked collared shirt. Birkenstock sandals can also work well if he isn’t at risk of being lost to the hippies, but otherwise penny loafers are sufficiently gay, just be sure to include two shiny new pennies for maximum effect.
4. You are What You Eat
If you feed your son meat and potatoes, he will become a meat and potatoes kind of guy (straight, aside from deep sexual insecurity). You need to start him off right with tofu, soy, and other products that will raise his estrogen levels. Avoid red meat, as it will affect testosterone levels adversely to your purposes. Buy the right fruit, always go with bananas over peaches. Stick with a vegetarian or vegan diet, which will also help him to become well-adjusted to eating the food of his future kind. If he absolutely refuses to go vegetarian, steer him with the right selection of meat. Keep hot dogs on hand (be sure to call them wieners), and always, always buy sausage links, not patties. Before you know it, chowing down on kielbasa will be who he is, and you can enjoy all the rewards of having a gay son to call your own.