Breasts: How big is too big?

by Ariel Bansuvimo

Any larger than this and you may need buttock implants to serve as a counterbalance.

Ever feel like your breasts have a life of their own? That men have dialogs with them instead of with you? That they need their own area code? That they have their own center of gravity?

This might be the case if your breasts are of cyclopean proportions. The greatest disadvantage of the defect of elephantine boobs is that these trifling concerns about your paw-patters consume nearly all your precious brain power.

American women lead the world in bra cup size thanks to obesity, an extensive breast-augmentation industry, and more often than not a combination of both of these.

Regardless whether you’re American, if you’re like most ladies you have a love-hate relationship to your magumbos . The hate derives from your chestnuts being unruly: itching, sweating, popping out of low cut garments, but even cancer and disease.

Most frequently the source of hate is the same source of love: size. Without the sufficient girth women feel small, cynical and critical of each other.

In other words, just like penis size, breast size does matter in our society.

If you’re twenty-seven and already struggling against a hunch back you might consider the size of your hooters. Tolerating extra ventral weight is an art it in itself. This art becomes more difficult as time and gravity drag your skin downward over your torso, sagging your milk jugs like melted wax hanging over the side of a candle.

If you want to avoid having loose skin or droopy boobies that look more like pancakes than mammaries, then it’s never too early to consider breast reduction (which can be performed as early as age 14 in some jurisdictions).

Difficulty finding tops is common among women who realize that the third or fourth revision augmentation mammaplasties were not good ideas. If that’s the case, button-down shirts are not your best pick. If you feel just have to wear them, apply double-sided sticky tape from the inside to keep your pomelos in place.

Breast size is also a problem when exercising due to breastual mass momentum. If you’re reading this chances are you’ve found out that heavy-duty support bras only support in light-duty chores. Once the centripetal force of your knockers begins to tug your body in  uncanny directions you quickly find your vestibular system put to extreme tests.

If asked if things feel better when you’re in the pool and you reply “yes, ma’amaplasty!” then it’s definitely time for a reduction.

Breast buoyancy is something many women have long pondered. It is the option we suggest you keep in mind if your boobs are too large but you remain wary of reductive mammaplasty, because a solution is on its way. Water-bras are currently under development in laboratories in Estonia and Switzerland.