Flowers in the Attic: Your Guide to Flirting at Family Reunions
by Ann Thrope
Family gatherings are notoriously boring. Everyone pressures each other to show up, but once arrived, no one wants to be there. Despite this, it is still possible to have a good time at your next family reunion… if you aren’t worried about a little harmless incest. Haven’t tried flirting with family yet? Feeling apprehensive? What are you afraid of? We’ve all wanted to see what’s underneath Uncle Jack’s bermuda shorts, or what kinky vices Aunt Mary is keeping all to herself. If you want to make your next reunion fly by, or at least, end in a late-night romp with 3 or 4 of your closest, distant cousins, this article is for you.
Know the Playing Field
I’ll let you in on a little secret, every Uncle, Nephew, Father, and Brother you have desperately wants a piece of your all-too-familiar behind. The only thing keeping your family reuinion from progressing into an all-out orgy is the shyness, secrecy, and hate that divides you. Break the ice with a well-placed waterballoon to your sister’s chest, exposing her virgin breasts underneath her white tee-shirt for all the men of the family to ogle. Then, in an act of solidarity, soak yourself all the way down to your skivvies. Next, look out for who’s watching the sexy drama unfold. They are your easy targets.
Give and Take… Hints
Without subtly making your intentions known, you’ll be leaving this year’s gathering alone again, empty and craving more. Some good ways to to let yourself be known to unexpecting suitors are winks, well-timed chuckles, and vague sexual metaphors. If you’re worried that an unwilling target, like your cousin Charlie, is catching on to your plans, redirect his disgust right back to him. Claim that it is he, not you, who has dreams of shameful incestual love with you and your underage female relatives. If he persists, continue to lay the guilt on him and deny, deny, deny. Also, make sure you are open on the receiving end. Look out for male relatives that put a little too much effort into begging you to play badmitton. If you see any of them making casual passess at you, position yourself so they can have a better look, and if you’re wearing a skirt, flash them your goods. They might only think its a free peek, but will they ever be in for a suprise when you give them far more than they bargained for.
Find a Semi-Secret Location
Is your reunion outdoors? Is it in a local meeting hall, or at a sheltered pavillion? Reguardless of the locale, many a casual romantic encounter has been dashed by poor planning. You want the location to be obvious enough to feel like you may not make it back without Grandma finding out, but not so obvious that you tip the crock-pots while knocking boots over the buffet table. Make things easy on yourself. Wait until the family gets settled and starts the yearly cornhole tournament (that’s bean-bag toss North of the Mason-Dixon line). Once everyone is settled, steal the keys to Uncle Jack’s Chevy Astrovan, or find the nearest public restroom. If the port-o-potty doesn’t look sturdy enough to handle your wiley self, try “going for a walk” and take up roost in any shrubbery you can find. Just be sure to comb the pine needles out of your pubic hair before you find another willing relative (male or female, we don’t discriminate) and go back for seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths, and… well, I think you get the picture. Don’t stop until Great-Grandma Forscythe has had her turn.