Becoming Bereaved

by Jane Sane

Ladies, lets face it. Although we might become emotional at funerals, and cry, when someone dies it is a total blessing. You might disagree, but let me ask you this: why would you feel any different about death than you would about birth? Sure, you might think that death is a loss, and birth is a blessing. Well, you know that’s just sentimental bullshit. Birth can be a real pain in the ass, and death can be a relief. Whether its old Aunt Agnus finally kicking the bucket and ending your boring hospital visits to secure your position in her will, or your daughter’s deadbeat boyfriend getting killed rolling over his rice runner. Despite this we seem compelled to tell ourselves otherwise. We must don our mask, lest we be exposed to the unadulterated truth, the fact of birth and death, both permanent. Each life, its own piece in the puzzle of the one true existence. But I don’t want to sound preachy, it is what it is, so to speak. Anyway, here are some tips for acting sad and pretending that this day would never come.

"This Fall's Mourning Fashion Hit: Tear Concealer Oh la la!"

Too Soon

Convince yourself that nature made a mistake. Also, forget you are a part of the same sequence of events that is totally final, and totally unsympathetic. Further, try to forget that your mere ability to mourn is only granted to you by the same force you blame for your loss.

Pretend Love

If you claimed to love the deceased in life, perhaps to fit in or make them feel better, you’re going to need to keep up the act if you want to keep your friends. You may even need to maintain the charade for the rest of your life. If anyone else tries to break the facade, ridicule them like the malevolent pot-stirrers that they are.

Never Let Go

This one is more for yourself. Hold the hand of your deceased loved one at the funeral for an extended period of time. Five, or even ten minutes is not enough. You should be holding their hand for at least as long as the amount of time it took you to travel there. Insist on helping with carrying the casket, even if you weren’t invited to be a pallbearer. When they lower it into its grave, jump screaming and crying onto the top of casket and ride it down waving your hat like Slim Pickens over the skies of Russia in Dr. Strangelove.