Keeping Your Daughter Intact
Your daughter’s innocence is a precious but fragile thing. In today’s world hazards abound that threaten to steal her physical and psychological virginity. Before you can protect her, you need to know what those hazards are. We sent researchers out into the field to find out who, and what, the usual suspects are when it comes to breaking hymens.
In girls who ride horseback, broken hymens are about as common as braided hair. Keep your daughter away from horses if you don’t want her innocence shattered all over her new saddle.
The world has changed a lot since you were a kid. It may have been acceptable then for a girl to lose her virginity at her senior prom, but now kids are having sex younger and younger. Its not uncommon to find your daughter broken after some young buck sticks his little nipper in there during “nap time.” Chastity belts are the proven solution, but if that seems too extreme try multiple layers of underwear or duct tape. Also try purity balls, V-cards, or oaths of innocence. If there are times she slips up, choose another method to get her through a few more weeks.
Bikes are well-known for their association with breaking hymens. There are several solutions already developed, including improved shocks, gel seats, and the “stand riding” technique. However, we find its best that you keep your daughter away from bikes. Where there are bikes, there are boys, and where there are boys, there are bound to be broken hymens.
You need to determine who your Uncle George is, but it is normally the one you least suspect. He talks to you the most and he always smiles when he sees your daughter, but you notice that its an odd smile and he’s always licking his lips. A restraining order will be enough to protect your daughter; Uncle George will find easier prey. Silly Uncle George.
The day your daughter finds your dildo playing dress-up could also be the day she shatters her innocence. To avoid this problem, keep all of your marital aides under lock and key. A convenient place is with your guns, but be careful. You don’t want your husband’s Glock inside you (unless you like it), and you don’t want to dent your steel dildo defending yourself during a home invasion.
Church may seem like a safe place to leave your daughter for the day, but it is far from safe. Church hosts all the same perils as kindergarten, and it doesn’t help that Uncle George is the pastor. It can be difficult to avoid the hazards of church, but you don’t have to leave altogether. The lessons she will learn there will mend any wounds she might incur, shaping her into a well-rounded and holy woman.