Faking it and Loving it
by Ann Thrope
Are you getting enough out of your bedroom experience? Is your partner responsive to your needs? If you asked to be smacked or choked, does he apply appropriate pressure and sell the passion? If not, you may need a little help touching up your own act. With our helpful tips you’ll be shouting to the rooftops like your lover has transformed into a daring sex-tiger, even if in reality he’s more like a sex-sloth that leaves you used up, jilted, and wanting more.
Many letters we receive from women say that their problems acting in the bedroom are normally spurred on by things that are sapping their motivation outside the bedroom. Our best advice when it comes to finding your will to scream at will is to take your lemons and turn them into lemonade. If you’re distracted by a messy house, try turning the negative into a positively raucous and filthy show for both of you to enjoy. Lather yourselves with year old mustard, lint, and nail clippings and anything else you can find in your house, then lick it all off.
Other women ask us how to compensate for their husband’s lack of vigor, stamina, or size. If you’re having physical troubles, try bringing toys into the bedroom. Try to suspend your disbelief when that footlong silicone sausage stuffs you like the Thanksgiving turkey. If the vibrator is too much, or it makes you grind your teeth, try using specialty lubricants to spice things up. If you’re on a tight budget, or just a cheap fucker, sugary syrups are a worthy replacement for flavored lube. Fancy “tingle” or “heat” lubricants for her, him, or both can be inexpensively substituted with Icy Hot.
If all natural is more your thing, try helping yourself out while your man does his business. You’ll keep yourself satisfied and keep his self-esteem intact when you can truthfully say you got off. Just don’t mention that it was no thanks to him and you’ll avoid the awkward conversation about how to fix your broken sex life.