Nails: Personal Preference or Scarlet Letter?
by Ann Thrope
We here at the Ladies’ Monthly asked an expert, Dr. Gloria Finkelstein, chair of her University’s Phrenology Department and expert in nails, several questions related to nails and nail care. Dr. Finklestein has given numerous talks across the country about nails and personality types. We met up with her before her next big event at the Best Western in Madison, Wisconsin.
Q: What do your nails say about you?
Dr. Finkelstein: Do you think the way your prefer your nails comes as some sort of accident of nature? Poppycock, your nails are a direct reflection of who you are. You are constantly seeing your hands in front of you. People who tolerate dirty nails will often tolerate a dirty house, a dirty car, or a dirty mind. People who keep their nails clean will do the same elsewhere in their environment as well. Some ladies keep very utilitarian nails, not too long, not bitten down or dirty but not stylish, while others will let their nails grow so long that they can barely use their hands. Some men even keep long nails, and although no one knows why, one might guess like many things men do it’s for the ladies.
Q: What can people do to stop biting their nails?
Dr. Finkelstein: I have known people who have developed the unconscious habit of biting their nails. At times, without even realizing it, they will raise a finger, their right index finger perhaps, place its already short nail between their right-middle incisors, and with a twitch of a hand and a snap, they pull off a sliver of nail too far. Tragic, but avoidable. I recommend making cucumber fingers by coring the seeds out of 10 fresh cucumbers (pickles will do but can be messy) and slipping them on the fingers. You may need someone else to help you with the last couple, but once they’re on, you’re set. You’ll be rewarded for being made aware of your unconscious nail biting with a bite of delicious cucumber (or pickle). Those who bite their nails are normally have some problem that they’re ignoring, like an alcoholic husband, or a crying baby that they no longer love.
Q: So after you throw that baby in the trash and can keep up with your nails, what does your choice of nail polish say about you?
Dr. Finkelstein: Nail polish choice reflects on you the same way your choice of hat, shoes, or underwear does. If you are flashy and bright, you’re nails are likely to be as well, , if you are sultry, slutty, or sensual, you’ll likely be wearing tones of red or pink. If you’re wearing blues, greens, or oranges without being on your way to a costume party or a rave, you’re probably a young soul, someone who still enjoys remembering the colors of their baby blocks.
Q: How do you do your nails?
Dr. Finkelstein: Due to a rare birth defect I was born without nails, so my fingers are like little breakfast sausages. I find myself fortunate to have been born with such a condition, as it allows me to practice my art without personal bias related to my own nail preferences. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to worry about how to do my nails, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. Well I suppose first off I’d have to find a way to glue them on to these rounded nubs of mine.